The Dope Box TV Blog

I realized while watching the premiere of The City that we really don’t know Whitney Port very well. We’ve seen her be the voice of reason for Lauren. We’ve seen her be the one who actually works on The Hills. But we’ve not seen her interact with her real friends or have a boyfriend. In addition to getting her bearings in NYC, she is also trying to partake of her scruffy, newish love interest while making nice with the hungry models that inhabit the city. And, apparently, it’s all about uptown and downtown.

The Uptown Crowd are art dealers’ kids, and various other kids of the wealthy, who find work to be unnecessary since their trust funds suit them just fine. The people from this crowd come with inherently yuppie-esque voices, dripping with whine and pretention. Olivia Palermo belongs to this group, and proudly so, calling herself a “Social” (aka socialite). I had no idea who the hell she was, so I googled her. I got kinda bored but this is what I dug up:

She’s the daughter of Douglas Palermo, a real-estate consultant of sorts, who tried to get out of paying $2.75 mil to creditors last year in a bankruptcy case; she likes the “aesthetic” of fashion (read: Clothes are like, awesome to look at.); she feuded with some other socialite named Tinsley Mortimer over a nudge at the Johnnie Walker Dressed to Kilt event last April; she previously denied rumors about being involved with The City, saying she wanted to be a “serious actress”…and then the urge to drown myself began to overtake me and I had to quit googling.

The Downtown Crowd are the hipsters, a little disheveled perhaps. Maybe a smidge overly fond of fedoras. But they seem to be the folks who are making it on their own. Jay and Erin both belong to this group.

Upon their first meeting, Olivia pretends not to know who Whitney is. “Where are you from?” “Have you worked in fashion before?” Come on! You signed a contract to make $12K/episode and you don’t know who Whitney is? Poppycock! Olivia mentions a dinner party she’s throwing…and doesn’t invite Whit.

Jay and Whit meet at Nero (where he seems to know everyone). Something I noted whilst viewing: He cocks his head a lot. Also, he always tells her she looks nice. This is either a slick player move or he’s gentlemanly. I have a feeling I know which. They share a cute exchange where he has her attempt an Aussie accent (pitiful) and then he does his best American. Often, when people do an American accent, they sound like geeky a-holes. This is either because A). We Americans really do sound like geeky a-holes OR B). Most of the world thinks we sound like geeky a-holes. Neither option is terribly flattering. Oh, and Whitney totally slept over at Jay’s. Action on the first episode!

Olivia and Whitney run into Samantha, an assistant buyer for Bergdorf Goodman. After an awkward handshake, Olivia blatantly leans over and says to someone else: “I hate a dead handshake. I like a firm handshake.” After the event at Fashion Week goes well, Olivia finally invites Whit to her rooftop dinner party and tells her to bring Jay.

Whitney tries to finagle Jay into escorting her to the shindig. He responds by squirming like a worm on a hook. His opinion of Olivia is that she’s not genuine (No way!). This is where he explains the differences between the scenes in New York and says he’d like to avoid the Uptown rich kids. He makes a point of saying he does what he wants “and that’s it.”

So, sweet Miss Port takes her “downtown” friend Erin to the party in Jay’s stead. Before they arrive, we get the pleasure of hearing Olivia and her cousin Nevan have a conversation about the complexities of place settings. They talk over each other as if the other person’s comments are entirely irrelevant. Each simply satisfied by the sound of his/her own voice. Olivia pretends she’s delighted to see Erin while making several deliberate inquiries about Jay’s absence. Poor Whitney is too nice to say: “He thinks you’re dull, pampered, and obnoxious.”

At the same time, across town, Jay is supposedly having a boys night out with Adam (his bestie). I have some doubts about the actual timing, since his beard appeared to morph repeatedly throughout the episode. Anyway, Jay says he thinks things are going too fast, then he shows up at Olivia’s party (dressed up and carrying champagne). They leave almost immediately after his arrival. Also, someone at some point called Erin a hooker.

It would seem that The City is establishing characters similar to The Hills. Olivia is the new Pratt; Jay is the new Justin Bobby; Erin is the new Heidi (original Heidi, like before she changed noses); And, of course, Whitney is the new Lauren. Except everyone is freakishly tall and skinny.

“Someone has to be an inspiration.” -Olivia

Whitney finally gets the call about the Diane von Furstenberg gig, and cameras just happen to be there to record the moment. She’s moving to New York and reminds us for the hundredth time that she’s going for the job, not the boy. If you have to repeat something relentlessly, it’s probably you who needs convincing.

During the goodbye party for Whit, we catch a glimpse of her parents, teary-eyed and proud. Her dad says, “You’ll come back every weekend and see us?” And, making an attempt at coolness that goes awry, he punctuates his sweet and hopeful sentiment with: “Yo, yo.”

Because a goodbye party and a goodbye convo at work were not enough, Whit and Lauren have a goodbye salad. They reminisce about Teen Vogue, chat about how much they love each other, and Lauren lets the tears flow again. So it’s out of LA and on to NYC for Whitney. Are you planning to follow her to The City?

Spencer decides to whisk Heidi off to Cabo to get away from all those people who, according to Mr. Pratt, are trying to tear them apart. For some reason, Mexico makes Heidi’s hair side-swept and blonder. In a tiny pink swimsuit, she climbs into Spencer’s lap as he leers at her creepily. I don’t remember seeing them be so openly affectionate before. I actually can’t think of anything they’ve done previously that didn’t involve fighting or eating.

Stephanie visits Audrina to find out if she knows where Heidi and her slimey sibling are. She’s, like, worried because Heidi was supposed to hang out with her and she didn’t show up. Why is it when Steph is worried she drops by all her friends’ houses looking pleased? Justin Bobby happens to be there, wearing tight overalls and doing a crossword puzzle?!? I wonder if it was a themed crossword. Like, farm animals or types of sushi. He takes a break from his mental exercises to impart some sage advice regarding the missing couple: “You should put up some signs.”

Later that night, Speidi sat outside, faces pink and shiny from all the booze. Maybe it’s the season, but I kept thinking Spencer looked like a young Santa Claus, with rosy cheeks and a strangely platinum beard. That is, if Santa was a manipulative, sinister fellow with Dudley Do-Right teeth, who spoke without moving his upper lip. Heidi talks about how Patrón makes her crazy. Spencer suggests getting married and when she refuses (by telling him he’s “loco en la cabeza”) he proceeds to order more tequila.

He tells her it would be a secret wedding. You know, the kind you talk about in front of MTV cameras. He then gives her an alarming, stalker-y speech to try to convince her to be his bride. It should be copied verbatim and distributed in pamphlet form to warn others what dangerous boyfriends say: “Heidi Montag, when I’m with you you make me want to be nicer. And that’s why I’m just obsessed with you… And I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” Sensible women would have found his speech to be a reason not to wed but it got Heidi hot and ready to don her white gown. And all our stomachs made a collective churn.

Here’s where it gets shady: MTV didn’t tape the actual “wedding.” Speidi acted like they were going off to get married that second, all excited and full of Patrón. It was nighttime. We see them the following morning, hung-over, sickeningly referring to each other as “Mr. and Mrs. Pratt.” They play their little handheld cam of the “wedding” which clearly took place in the daytime! Huh? Did we miss a day somewhere? What’s with all the theatrics? Did they get married some other time and then create this whole MTV charade to make it seem like the wedding was drunk and spontaneous? Maybe they thought her mom would be less upset that way? Why the hell was MTV not around for the actual nuptials? I guess the more important question is: Why do we care?

One final note: If your fiancé’s surname was Pratt wouldn’t you just keep your own?