The Dope Box TV Blog

Convincing a staunch lesbian that she’s in love with a misogynistic, egomaniacal, testosterone-driven manwhore is no easy feat. But the supernatural power of Christian’s penis has cast a spell of heterosexuality over Liz. They’re giving romance a try, and it isn’t going well. For starters, his instructional guidance on fellatio was about as sexy as a quilting bee. When she gets up, having failed at oral, he throws her a robe. She knows it’s because he doesn’t want to see her naked, although he claims he’s just preventing her from getting chilly. In the bathroom, she cries and pulls her face back as if contemplating a surgical lift. Their relationship is definitely not good for her self-esteem.

Clearly satisfied with his pectoral reconstruction, Christian quickly brings home plenty of tail. Realistically, wouldn’t he have still looked swollen and bruised from the surgery? I know, I know. Realism has little place in the Nip/Tuck universe. While he enjoys a rotating door of easy women, Liz spends all day getting beautified for a date with him. She walks in on him partaking in some bathtub lovin’ (which just looks uncomfortable) and he doesn’t even take a momentary thrusting pause.

All Christian’s vigorous humping knocks his implant loose. He and his wandering boob rush over to Liz for a consolatory hug. And in a case of perfect karmic reprisal, she happens to be entertaining a lady friend. Christian seems mildly jealous and says, “Are you cheating on me?” She says yes, dismisses his peck displacement as no big deal, and shoves his ass out the door.

Days later, following yet another walk-in on Christian doing some random chick, Liz resigns. The quirky friendship between them and their playfully sarcastic banter is a huge asset to the show, so hopefully this rift is only temporary.

The patient plotline was clearly a spoof of the Mary Kay Letourneau debacle. Blatantly naming the teacher Carrie May was an amusing touch. Ricky, her teen lover/husband, has hair plugs implanted on his upper lip, widow’s peak, and sideburns. The final effect does indeed make him look older…and also like a 70’s porn star. She looks horrified by his transformation and, naturally, hops into bed with his little bro.

Mattie’s quest to become a doctor is quickly losing steam. He’s clueless about organic chemistry and sucks at basic anatomy. While under the tutelage of Sean, he does surgery on a dead pig and removes the wrong organ. For some reason, the ubiquitous fake blood doesn’t gross me out but the stringy slime dangling from the pig organs made my stomach lurch.

Raj’s father stops by McNamara/Troy for a little abusive parenting. First, he pressures his son to perform a penis enlargement on him (uber-creepy). Then, upon hearing about Christian’s suture mishap, he decides to take his penis elsewhere, smacking and belittling Raj on the way out. Sean and Mattie introduce Raj to the world of chicken wings (”My mouth is burning but I can’t stop eating these amazing poultry samples!”), underage drinking, and pot-smoking. After getting supremely baked, Raj confesses to fantasizing about cutting his own hands off so he wouldn’t have to be a doctor anymore. And how, like every other teenage boy, he’d like to be a Playboy photographer. He and Matt bond over paternal neglect and swap stories about sexual escapades with trannies. Then Mattie honors Raj’s request for a brutal hand-crushing. The event causes Mattie to conclude that doctorin’ is way hard and he’d prefer simply playing one on TV.

“Sorry, pal. Women are women…even if they used to be lesbians.” -Sean

You have to admire Blair’s dedication. What began as a simple punishment (Rachel being stood-up outside a closed restaurant) for a simple offense (Rachel giving Blair a B), now continues to escalate. If Miss Carr would have just relented there would be no need for such an epic duel. Blair is like quicksand; the more you struggle, the deeper you sink.

Serena is upset about Miss Carr and Dan meeting in a coffee shop but not for the reason you would think. She overhears Rachel talking about how smart and literary Humphrey is and gets to feeling inferior. In an extremely un-stealth move, S shoves her extra credit essay back in her purse and asks for more time. Serena’s hobbies now include: prancing around in weather-inappropriate clothing; obsessing over hopelessly emo boys; shamelessly seeking the approval of absolutely anyone.

After hearing Dan sputter a bumbling compliment about Rachel’s sweater choices (which is a sure sign of his adoration) Blair texts Gossip Girl saying they’re having a teacher/student elicit affair. This results in many a high-five for Dan, a pow-wow with Jenny (complete with reference to her raccoon-eye mascara of yore), and a mini-scolding from Serena.

Nelly Yuki tattles on Blair, who gets expelled. Upon getting assurance from his daughter that she did nothing wrong, Daddy Waldorf makes it his mission to prove her innocence. Serena talks to Rachel (who she suddenly starts calling “Miss Carr”) about letting B go back to Constance. When that fails, she takes the teacher’s daily planner and shows up at a scheduled mystery rendezvous. She is, of course, with Dan, who happens to be making moony eyes and sweeping the hair out of Rachel’s face at that precise moment. Rather than barging in and splitting the two up, S snaps a picture with her cell and gives it to Blair who uses it to get Rachel canned.

Serena casually prattles on about her involvement with the scandal to Dan. They could soldier on through their parents hooking up and sharing a sibling, but throw a little fictional scandal at them and they’re through. Their hundredth “Let’s be friends” break-up speech conveys as much grief as one would allot to the wilting of a head of cabbage. It would seem that even S and LonelyBoy are bored by their relationship.

Dan goes to Rachel’s apartment to comfort her after the public firing and she jumps him like a pogo-stick. Due to the glaring foreshadowing of this event, I had time to be apprehensive about it. But, I have to say, when the act happened I was totally rooting it on. They’re a better fit than he and Serena were (just mentioning them makes me yawn) and this pairing is sure to stir up plenty of juicy storylines. Plus, the song choice for the steamy scene was perfection.

An entire episode of Chuck was wasted by the bizarre retelling of Eyes Wide Shut (which I called from the first flashback). He has some blurry memories of a debauchery-filled secret society soiree. Chuck enlists Nate and Vanessa to help him retrace his steps. (Sidebar: Surprisingly, I was not nauseated by those two this episode. I actually found their little reenactment - dare I say it? - cute.) Chuck eventually finds the mystery girl from the party (it’s Nicki from The L Word!), who is part nanny, part whore. She shows up with a long illuminated candle and a warning about possible retribution from the White Collar Mafia. Later, Chuck goes through Bart’s vault for answers, openly (and cheesily) asking: “Father, what were you involved in?”

Now for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Velvet items: 1 (black blazer)

Ascots: 1 (Finally!!!)

Wool: 2 (trench, gray blazer w/black piping)

Pocket squares: 1 (black)

Turtlenecks: 1 (black)

An overwhelming amount of black, once again. How I miss the loud argyle socks/sweater vests paired with plaid bow-ties. Perhaps we’ll see a return to ludicrously mismatched patterns in blaring colors when winter is over. Worth a mention: serious over-unbuttoning…hello chest hair!

“Thank you, Jesus.” -Minion

“No. Thank you, Blair.” - Blair