The Dope Box TV Blog

True Blood, You’ll be the Death of me, HBO TV series, season 1 finale

I’m a fan of the books but I absolutely WILL NOT reveal any future spoilers. It makes it a little more challenging to write because I can’t make the predictions I normally would (since I know much of what will happen) except for the stuff that Alan Ball has added. I’d rather have a challenge than be a douchebag by ruining the fun for everyone else.

The season 1 finale of True Blood was certainly not lacking in action!

Still convinced he’s an amnesiac serial killer, Jason sits in his jail cell, ruminating to Rene about who should get his various possessions. Sookie shows up, telling her dimwitted sibling to shut his pie hole before he gets himself in any more trouble. She also happens to mention that she’s close to finding out who the real killer is; A bit of information Rene finds quite intriguing. Later, a member of The Fellowship of the Rising Sun (which sounds one part Tolkien, one part cheesy Japanese flick) drops by J’s cell for a congratulatory visit. Turns out the church members were so tickled by the murders of those fangbanging girls, they started a legal fund in honor of the killer. He’s told he’s a brave soldier…what he did was a service to his race and, of course, Jesus. Who knew Jesus hated vampires (and the chicks that do them) enough to bypass pesky commandment number 6?

While Jason reads and rereads the church’s pamphlet in his cell, Andy Bellefleur is pontificating to many sets of eager ears at Merlotte’s bar. He makes it sound as if Jason’s confession was that of a stone cold killa, rather than a weepy befuddled dolt.

Tara awakens in a gleaming white mountain of bedding. MaryAnn acts all social worker/life coach, asking the dazed girl what she wants her life to be, claiming she’s there to help. Tara is easily swayed by this, um, woman and starts living the high life by flopping around in the giant pool like a six year old. Following her exuberant dip, she wanders back inside to a lavish brunch spread and a toothy-grinned, guitar plucking guy named Eggs. A troubled fella on the mend, he tries to quash her suspicions that it’s all a ruse, or “Satan in a Sunday hat” (as her mama used to say). Bald butler, who gives off the ex-con vibe and has a fondness for Hawaiian shirts, erases Sam’s messages on Tara’s cell while MaryAnn meditates beside her buddy the hog.

Back at Merlotte’s, Sookie is disturbed by patrons who are thinking scurrilous thoughts about her bro. Needing to get away from the static, she tries to leave but her car won’t start. The work of a faux-Cajun serial killer, perhaps? She let’s out a string of cutesy non-cuss words (“Darn it! Son of a mother fudge!) and Rene comes to escort her in Jason’s truck. Encouraging her to buckle up, so she’ll be whiplash-free when he murders her, he does his best to think about nothing. Sookie notices the voice in his mind doesn’t have an accent but that sets off no red flags. Even worse than that oversight: she dabs her tear-filled eyes with a balled up old tissue from his pocket. Ick.

While Sookie is enjoying the company of her grandmother’s killer, Arlene walks in to find her kids watching the Maudette/Bald Vampire sex tape. Awkward. After they tell her it is Rene’s, she does a little digging and finds a “Cajun Accents for Actors” tape. Doh! Back at the bar, Sam comes across Rene’s construction vest, catches a whiff, and realizes he’s the killer. At the same time, Sookie also figures out who the killer is when she sees Rene Drew Marshall replaying grandma Stackhouse’s murder in his mind. It’s a simultaneous group epiphany!

Everyone rushes to save Sook as she starts to book it. The backwoods bastard had the foresight to empty her shotgun but she whacks him across the noggin (awesome) with it anyway. Meantime, under the ground, Bill wakes when he senses his human is in trouble and literally braves the blistering sun to get to her, which is just so romantic and gallant. *Sigh*

Rene, always the charmer, says he’ll call off the murder so they can be friends…and proceeds to think about various acts of necrophilia he’d like to perform after she’s dead. He tricks her, beats her, then gets attacked by shifted Sam as Bill catches fire in the distance. Collie Sam turns into naked Sam after Rene starts kicking the shit out of him; Sookie picks up a shovel and stabs the murderer in the neck with it. Naked Sam buries Bill to save him as battered Sookie sobs.

Next time we see Sookie she’s happily hopped up on pain killers and is so loopy that no one believes her when she lets Sam’s “condition” slip. The two share a little “You’re lovable!” “No, you are!” moment before hysterical siren-haired Arlene arrives with an I’m-sorry-my-husband-tried-to-kill-you-again bouquet. Jason, freshly released by dubious Andy Bellefleur from prison, comforts his little sister and declares that all this happened to him for a reason. He’s not sure what the reason is but he’s gonna figure it out. Outside, Tara gives Sam the kiss-off and it’s revealed that MaryAnn may be a Sammie-the-dog stalker. The plot thickens (cue evil laughter).

Something comes towards and scares Lafayette by the dumpster of Merlotte’s. Any thoughts as to who/what it was?

Arriving at Sookie’s doorstep is a healed and sexy Bill, waiting to be re-invited into her home. He sweetly kisses her bruises and offers her some of his blood so she’ll heal faster. Sook wants to just be human and get to the sex already.

TWO WEEKS LATER: The news shows a vamp/human wedding, setting off conversations about Sookie and Bill. Sam is pissed at the wedding chatter since he was sure he’d be in like Flynn after saving her from Rene. Meanwhile, MaryAnn has influenced Tara to spout affirmations and match her eye shadow to her shirt. Cut to Jason, in the Fellowship church, shouting Hallelujah and kissing heads of strangers. Bill is interrupted while playing rinky-tink whorehouse piano music by the arrival of his vamp daughter Jessica (now looking like she’d come straight from Hot Topic rather than from a prairie somewhere). Eric is tired of the teenage bloodsucker, offering only to keep her if he can have Sookie, to which Bill spurts fangs and growls. I assume that’s a no.

Cliffhanger: Andy Bellefleur, intoxicated and belligerent, is wandering around looking for his car while Sook and Tara follow him around to keep his drunk ass from driving. They find his car…and the painted toenail foot of a mystery corpse.

“So collecting stray black people that’s a hobby of her’s?” -Tara

True Blood, HBO tv series, Sundays

Understandably, waking up with naked Sam at the foot of her bed scares the shit out of Sookie. After a demonstration and explanation of his shape-shiftiness, Sook aptly says, “Shut the fuck up.” Her look tells us she’d like a break from mystical-creatures-come-reality for a while.

We got some telling flashbacks about Sam this week. Apparently, he’s been repeatedly abandoned. Once by his shifter parents, and again by his adoptive parents when they realized he was…special. I have to say, his part was cast brilliantly. He totally seems like a guy who would shape shift into a collie.

Tara finally has that exorcism she’s been itching for, during which she drinks “snake juice” and is given Miss Jeannette’s spit to rub on her face (Icky). She spazzes out, throws up, cries, and stabs the emerging demon who manifests as a young Tara. The following morning, the exorcized mother and daughter ingest several celebratory buckets o’ crawfish. Tara’s excitement is flattened when she spots their exorcist in wig and uniform working at a drug store. Turns out the exorcism was a fake and the snake juice was ipecac and peyote. Cripes, that was a seriously pricey hallucination.

Amy discovers Jason has been feeding the imprisoned vampire and she’s one unhappy vegan. Eddie tells her Jason won’t forgive her if she kills him. Her plan: they keep the plump vamp as a pet and hope he develops Stockholm syndrome so he’ll want to be with them and they can use his blood to fund their travel expenses as they traipse through untamed villages and mountain passages searching for existential bliss. Solid.

At Arlene and Rene’s fish boil, a whole lotta shit goes down. Tara saunters in, sloppy and wearing her red spandex prom dress, eager to get busy with Sammie. Lafayette accosts Jason (who was guzzling beer & urinating simultaneously) for being responsible for the missing vampire. Of course, he has no idea just how responsible Jason really is. Sookie narrowly escapes an attacker inside the darkened, empty bar. She was privy to the mental replay of his last victim’s murder. They made a point of showing the vampire bites on the dead girl’s neck. I’ve read the books but I’m curious…who do you think the murderer is?

On the way home from the Cajun soirée, Tara swerves off the road to avoid hitting a very naked, very dirty woman with a hog companion. Another mystical creature, perhaps? Or maybe just a fruitcake escaped from the “clothing optional” retreat in Shreveport?

The most intriguing portion of the episode was the vampire tribunal. Held in a junk yard of sorts, the “Magister” sitting in the back of an old El Camino with his Blackberry in hand; it hardly seems a formal affair. The first guy’s punishment was to have his fangs plucked right out of his gums. Uh, ouch. And Bill, despite Eric’s backup, is told he’ll have to spend five years locked in a coffin cell. But the judge decides he’d rather have Bill “make” a lovely virginal teen into one of them. Oh, Bill. So valiant. He asks for the cell instead. Then he tries to glamour the girl so she won’t be afraid until the Mage forbids it. Even though he’s a vampire, he’s certainly still in touch with human sympathy and guilt.

Amy stakes Eddie when Jason tries to release him. Thus ending the “treat him like a pet” plan. Unless she’s in the habit of staking puppies.

I can’t believe there are only 2 episodes left. I hope they don’t make us wait an eternity for season two!

“I was trained in the Inquisition and I am the adjudicator for every vampire territory in North America. As the humans say-the humans who you love more than your own kind-back your shit down.”

–Magister, a little miffed about his authority being questioned