The Dope Box TV Blog

Whitney finally gets the call about the Diane von Furstenberg gig, and cameras just happen to be there to record the moment. She’s moving to New York and reminds us for the hundredth time that she’s going for the job, not the boy. If you have to repeat something relentlessly, it’s probably you who needs convincing.

During the goodbye party for Whit, we catch a glimpse of her parents, teary-eyed and proud. Her dad says, “You’ll come back every weekend and see us?” And, making an attempt at coolness that goes awry, he punctuates his sweet and hopeful sentiment with: “Yo, yo.”

Because a goodbye party and a goodbye convo at work were not enough, Whit and Lauren have a goodbye salad. They reminisce about Teen Vogue, chat about how much they love each other, and Lauren lets the tears flow again. So it’s out of LA and on to NYC for Whitney. Are you planning to follow her to The City?

Spencer decides to whisk Heidi off to Cabo to get away from all those people who, according to Mr. Pratt, are trying to tear them apart. For some reason, Mexico makes Heidi’s hair side-swept and blonder. In a tiny pink swimsuit, she climbs into Spencer’s lap as he leers at her creepily. I don’t remember seeing them be so openly affectionate before. I actually can’t think of anything they’ve done previously that didn’t involve fighting or eating.

Stephanie visits Audrina to find out if she knows where Heidi and her slimey sibling are. She’s, like, worried because Heidi was supposed to hang out with her and she didn’t show up. Why is it when Steph is worried she drops by all her friends’ houses looking pleased? Justin Bobby happens to be there, wearing tight overalls and doing a crossword puzzle?!? I wonder if it was a themed crossword. Like, farm animals or types of sushi. He takes a break from his mental exercises to impart some sage advice regarding the missing couple: “You should put up some signs.”

Later that night, Speidi sat outside, faces pink and shiny from all the booze. Maybe it’s the season, but I kept thinking Spencer looked like a young Santa Claus, with rosy cheeks and a strangely platinum beard. That is, if Santa was a manipulative, sinister fellow with Dudley Do-Right teeth, who spoke without moving his upper lip. Heidi talks about how Patrón makes her crazy. Spencer suggests getting married and when she refuses (by telling him he’s “loco en la cabeza”) he proceeds to order more tequila.

He tells her it would be a secret wedding. You know, the kind you talk about in front of MTV cameras. He then gives her an alarming, stalker-y speech to try to convince her to be his bride. It should be copied verbatim and distributed in pamphlet form to warn others what dangerous boyfriends say: “Heidi Montag, when I’m with you you make me want to be nicer. And that’s why I’m just obsessed with you… And I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” Sensible women would have found his speech to be a reason not to wed but it got Heidi hot and ready to don her white gown. And all our stomachs made a collective churn.

Here’s where it gets shady: MTV didn’t tape the actual “wedding.” Speidi acted like they were going off to get married that second, all excited and full of Patrón. It was nighttime. We see them the following morning, hung-over, sickeningly referring to each other as “Mr. and Mrs. Pratt.” They play their little handheld cam of the “wedding” which clearly took place in the daytime! Huh? Did we miss a day somewhere? What’s with all the theatrics? Did they get married some other time and then create this whole MTV charade to make it seem like the wedding was drunk and spontaneous? Maybe they thought her mom would be less upset that way? Why the hell was MTV not around for the actual nuptials? I guess the more important question is: Why do we care?

One final note: If your fiancé’s surname was Pratt wouldn’t you just keep your own?

The Hills: Dream Boy, Dream Job MTV series

Kelly Cutrone, of People’s Revolution, kindly set up an interview for Whitney with Diane von Furstenberg. Kelly also congratulated herself on being such a thoughtful boss. Although I think Whitney really does work (as opposed to some of the other folks on the show), I have my reservations about believing all these great jobs just land in her lap. Having an employee on The Hills is like having a half hour commercial for your business every Monday night.

Whitney’s interview seems to have gone pretty well. She was fairly articulate and didn’t over-swallow her G’s (does that annoy anyone else?). After the interview, Jay the Serenader is waiting outside. He continually looks her up and down, talks about how much he likes her dress, and says she’s “hot.” He’s kinda rocking the Justin Bobby ’07 look: long hair, face scruff, baggy clothes, flannel around waist. Could this be a warning sign for future pig behavior? They literally talk for 2 minutes before she has to get in a cab to catch a plane. If they were a normal couple, he would go with her to keep her company. But since MTV probably can’t film at the airport, and nothing on The Hills can happen without a camera present, they kiss goodbye in the street.

Spencer, who is almost always eating, meets with his sis for a little scolding. She’s upset about Cameron, which makes Spencer protective to a menacing degree. He brings up the Brody crap again and calls Cam a punk but he also tells her she can do better (nice?). Because she’s a very very slow learner, Steph decides to bring Cameron to dinner with Speidi. Shortly thereafter, she breaks up with Cameron again. The break up scene was highly suspicious because when the camera was facing Cam, Stephanie’s voice sounded like it had been looped (like a voice-over). It was when she said she deserves better and that she wants to find a guy who makes her happy. She must have said some really stupid shit for them to have to dub her lines post-production. Reality my ass.

Lauren and Lo took a trip to Laguna to pack up her childhood home. Her parents have decided to move since they’ll be empty nesters soon. The view from the porch is enviably gorgeous. Lauren reads a journal entry about her first kiss with Steven whats-his-face. In a surprisingly macabre revelation: Lauren wrote a will when she was a teen. In it, she said she’d like to be buried in her homecoming dress with the crown placed atop the coffin.

“Join a nun’s thing.” –Spencer, dispensing relationship advice. He means nunnery.