The Dope Box TV Blog

True Blood, You’ll be the Death of me, HBO TV series, season 1 finale

I’m a fan of the books but I absolutely WILL NOT reveal any future spoilers. It makes it a little more challenging to write because I can’t make the predictions I normally would (since I know much of what will happen) except for the stuff that Alan Ball has added. I’d rather have a challenge than be a douchebag by ruining the fun for everyone else.

The season 1 finale of True Blood was certainly not lacking in action!

Still convinced he’s an amnesiac serial killer, Jason sits in his jail cell, ruminating to Rene about who should get his various possessions. Sookie shows up, telling her dimwitted sibling to shut his pie hole before he gets himself in any more trouble. She also happens to mention that she’s close to finding out who the real killer is; A bit of information Rene finds quite intriguing. Later, a member of The Fellowship of the Rising Sun (which sounds one part Tolkien, one part cheesy Japanese flick) drops by J’s cell for a congratulatory visit. Turns out the church members were so tickled by the murders of those fangbanging girls, they started a legal fund in honor of the killer. He’s told he’s a brave soldier…what he did was a service to his race and, of course, Jesus. Who knew Jesus hated vampires (and the chicks that do them) enough to bypass pesky commandment number 6?

While Jason reads and rereads the church’s pamphlet in his cell, Andy Bellefleur is pontificating to many sets of eager ears at Merlotte’s bar. He makes it sound as if Jason’s confession was that of a stone cold killa, rather than a weepy befuddled dolt.

Tara awakens in a gleaming white mountain of bedding. MaryAnn acts all social worker/life coach, asking the dazed girl what she wants her life to be, claiming she’s there to help. Tara is easily swayed by this, um, woman and starts living the high life by flopping around in the giant pool like a six year old. Following her exuberant dip, she wanders back inside to a lavish brunch spread and a toothy-grinned, guitar plucking guy named Eggs. A troubled fella on the mend, he tries to quash her suspicions that it’s all a ruse, or “Satan in a Sunday hat” (as her mama used to say). Bald butler, who gives off the ex-con vibe and has a fondness for Hawaiian shirts, erases Sam’s messages on Tara’s cell while MaryAnn meditates beside her buddy the hog.

Back at Merlotte’s, Sookie is disturbed by patrons who are thinking scurrilous thoughts about her bro. Needing to get away from the static, she tries to leave but her car won’t start. The work of a faux-Cajun serial killer, perhaps? She let’s out a string of cutesy non-cuss words (“Darn it! Son of a mother fudge!) and Rene comes to escort her in Jason’s truck. Encouraging her to buckle up, so she’ll be whiplash-free when he murders her, he does his best to think about nothing. Sookie notices the voice in his mind doesn’t have an accent but that sets off no red flags. Even worse than that oversight: she dabs her tear-filled eyes with a balled up old tissue from his pocket. Ick.

While Sookie is enjoying the company of her grandmother’s killer, Arlene walks in to find her kids watching the Maudette/Bald Vampire sex tape. Awkward. After they tell her it is Rene’s, she does a little digging and finds a “Cajun Accents for Actors” tape. Doh! Back at the bar, Sam comes across Rene’s construction vest, catches a whiff, and realizes he’s the killer. At the same time, Sookie also figures out who the killer is when she sees Rene Drew Marshall replaying grandma Stackhouse’s murder in his mind. It’s a simultaneous group epiphany!

Everyone rushes to save Sook as she starts to book it. The backwoods bastard had the foresight to empty her shotgun but she whacks him across the noggin (awesome) with it anyway. Meantime, under the ground, Bill wakes when he senses his human is in trouble and literally braves the blistering sun to get to her, which is just so romantic and gallant. *Sigh*

Rene, always the charmer, says he’ll call off the murder so they can be friends…and proceeds to think about various acts of necrophilia he’d like to perform after she’s dead. He tricks her, beats her, then gets attacked by shifted Sam as Bill catches fire in the distance. Collie Sam turns into naked Sam after Rene starts kicking the shit out of him; Sookie picks up a shovel and stabs the murderer in the neck with it. Naked Sam buries Bill to save him as battered Sookie sobs.

Next time we see Sookie she’s happily hopped up on pain killers and is so loopy that no one believes her when she lets Sam’s “condition” slip. The two share a little “You’re lovable!” “No, you are!” moment before hysterical siren-haired Arlene arrives with an I’m-sorry-my-husband-tried-to-kill-you-again bouquet. Jason, freshly released by dubious Andy Bellefleur from prison, comforts his little sister and declares that all this happened to him for a reason. He’s not sure what the reason is but he’s gonna figure it out. Outside, Tara gives Sam the kiss-off and it’s revealed that MaryAnn may be a Sammie-the-dog stalker. The plot thickens (cue evil laughter).

Something comes towards and scares Lafayette by the dumpster of Merlotte’s. Any thoughts as to who/what it was?

Arriving at Sookie’s doorstep is a healed and sexy Bill, waiting to be re-invited into her home. He sweetly kisses her bruises and offers her some of his blood so she’ll heal faster. Sook wants to just be human and get to the sex already.

TWO WEEKS LATER: The news shows a vamp/human wedding, setting off conversations about Sookie and Bill. Sam is pissed at the wedding chatter since he was sure he’d be in like Flynn after saving her from Rene. Meanwhile, MaryAnn has influenced Tara to spout affirmations and match her eye shadow to her shirt. Cut to Jason, in the Fellowship church, shouting Hallelujah and kissing heads of strangers. Bill is interrupted while playing rinky-tink whorehouse piano music by the arrival of his vamp daughter Jessica (now looking like she’d come straight from Hot Topic rather than from a prairie somewhere). Eric is tired of the teenage bloodsucker, offering only to keep her if he can have Sookie, to which Bill spurts fangs and growls. I assume that’s a no.

Cliffhanger: Andy Bellefleur, intoxicated and belligerent, is wandering around looking for his car while Sook and Tara follow him around to keep his drunk ass from driving. They find his car…and the painted toenail foot of a mystery corpse.

“So collecting stray black people that’s a hobby of her’s?” -Tara

True Blood, HBO TV show, Sundays

Lying to Layfayette makes him cranky. Lying and hypocritically railing against vamps and gays on television makes him scrub off the makeup, chuck the dew rag, and put on a suit. Seeing him like that was like seeing Bill in a tutu.

Bill innocently waits for Jessica to rise from the ground, a 4-pack of True Blood by his side. He envisions mentoring her for mainstream life; she prefers to celebrate her newfound freedom from clarinets and oppressive-parents-who-make-her-wear-apron-dresses by swearin’, gigglin’, and blood suckin’. Following her barrage of “whys” and wave of disappointment at his squareness, Bill passes Jess off to Eric.

After Sam’s well-timed saving of Sookie from the mystery killer, they’re like two peas in a seriously fucked up pod. He’s sleeping on her sofa now, shotgun on the mantle, continuing to watch over her in a less naked way. She’s gotten past his whole clandestine part-time doggie situation and he’s forgiven her for being a heinous bitch about his big reveal.

The two play detective, searching for the killer by following the dead girl’s trail. It leads them to a diner where a pie connoisseur eats and gabs. From there, they hit the local police station where Sookie’s bite marks cause the provincial cop to clam up. He loosens right up when she uses her mind powers to blackmail him. He promises to fax the picture of dead chick’s brother, Drew Marshall, to the Bon Temps cops.

On the drive home, Sook and Sam talk love while he shoots her moony looks. Do her telepathic talents impinge on her ability to see the glaringly obvious?

Sam’s rather distracted by Sookie all day and only pauses momentarily to call the girl he’s actually having relations with. Tara, who we last saw swerving off the road, has been busy flunking sobriety tests and babbling about filthy nude women with giant pigs. She’s thrown in a cell and the cops call her mom. If anyone were to understand nonsensical ranting whilst intoxicated, it would be her mother, right? It turns out, now that mommy thinks she’s exorcized, she’s all into prayer circles, salvation, and tough love. Tara is told she’s a danger to her mother’s newly saved soul and can’t go home. Luckily (?) hog lady, Mary Anne, comes to bail her out. Tara doesn’t recognize her and takes her up on an invite to crash at her mansion. Sure, she might be swine food but at least she’ll be able to change out of that fugly dress.  

Earthchild Amy (who’s not crazy at all) and Jason are swimming in the bloody vestiges of Eddie, the staked vampire. Aw, poor Eddie. He was such a hapless, hopeless case. Amy rationalizes killing him since he was already dead. Jason gags, calls her a Yankee bitch, tells her to stop using V or she’s history. She calls him a dumb hillbilly (ok, kinda true) but then assures him what they have is “beautiful”. Uh, no. What you have is an addiction to supernatural body fluids and a gooey, stringy pool of vampire pulp.

Jason decides to tell his pals, Hoyt and Rene, that his girlfriend is a V-head. He conveniently leaves out the part where he helped kidnap and drain a local vampire so he could have bizarre floaty sex with her while the gloomy vamp watched and cried blood-tears. Mama’s boy Hoyt recommends working it out. That night, vegan-warrior presents J with a candlelit dinner. She makes a convincing argument for doing V one final time by throwing around big words he can’t wrap his pretty little head around. She wants this last time to be a symbolic representation of a circular journey. It’s an inflated argument when put to a fella who doesn’t understand the concept of sleeves, let alone symmetry. Then some guy strangles her with a belt and interrupts J’s dream of frolicking through a field in tighty whiteys.

Andy Bellefleur has it out for Jason and helps convince the poor dim bastard that he’s the killer. While he walks past, a gossipy receptionist gets the fax for Sookie with a picture of Drew Marshall (except it’s totally Rene).  

Bill arrives at Sookie’s just in time to catch her and the were-collie making out. Fangs out, he tackles and bitch-slaps Sam. Hot supe brawl ensues! Sookie, reserving the right to get her freak on with whomever she pleases, rescinds Bill’s invitation and rejects Sammie.

“It means that I don’t have to sit like a lady. And I can kill anybody I want. And there’s an awful lot of people I’d like to kill.”

-Jessica, on being a vampire