The Dope Box TV Blog

You have to admire Blair’s dedication. What began as a simple punishment (Rachel being stood-up outside a closed restaurant) for a simple offense (Rachel giving Blair a B), now continues to escalate. If Miss Carr would have just relented there would be no need for such an epic duel. Blair is like quicksand; the more you struggle, the deeper you sink.

Serena is upset about Miss Carr and Dan meeting in a coffee shop but not for the reason you would think. She overhears Rachel talking about how smart and literary Humphrey is and gets to feeling inferior. In an extremely un-stealth move, S shoves her extra credit essay back in her purse and asks for more time. Serena’s hobbies now include: prancing around in weather-inappropriate clothing; obsessing over hopelessly emo boys; shamelessly seeking the approval of absolutely anyone.

After hearing Dan sputter a bumbling compliment about Rachel’s sweater choices (which is a sure sign of his adoration) Blair texts Gossip Girl saying they’re having a teacher/student elicit affair. This results in many a high-five for Dan, a pow-wow with Jenny (complete with reference to her raccoon-eye mascara of yore), and a mini-scolding from Serena.

Nelly Yuki tattles on Blair, who gets expelled. Upon getting assurance from his daughter that she did nothing wrong, Daddy Waldorf makes it his mission to prove her innocence. Serena talks to Rachel (who she suddenly starts calling “Miss Carr”) about letting B go back to Constance. When that fails, she takes the teacher’s daily planner and shows up at a scheduled mystery rendezvous. She is, of course, with Dan, who happens to be making moony eyes and sweeping the hair out of Rachel’s face at that precise moment. Rather than barging in and splitting the two up, S snaps a picture with her cell and gives it to Blair who uses it to get Rachel canned.

Serena casually prattles on about her involvement with the scandal to Dan. They could soldier on through their parents hooking up and sharing a sibling, but throw a little fictional scandal at them and they’re through. Their hundredth “Let’s be friends” break-up speech conveys as much grief as one would allot to the wilting of a head of cabbage. It would seem that even S and LonelyBoy are bored by their relationship.

Dan goes to Rachel’s apartment to comfort her after the public firing and she jumps him like a pogo-stick. Due to the glaring foreshadowing of this event, I had time to be apprehensive about it. But, I have to say, when the act happened I was totally rooting it on. They’re a better fit than he and Serena were (just mentioning them makes me yawn) and this pairing is sure to stir up plenty of juicy storylines. Plus, the song choice for the steamy scene was perfection.

An entire episode of Chuck was wasted by the bizarre retelling of Eyes Wide Shut (which I called from the first flashback). He has some blurry memories of a debauchery-filled secret society soiree. Chuck enlists Nate and Vanessa to help him retrace his steps. (Sidebar: Surprisingly, I was not nauseated by those two this episode. I actually found their little reenactment - dare I say it? - cute.) Chuck eventually finds the mystery girl from the party (it’s Nicki from The L Word!), who is part nanny, part whore. She shows up with a long illuminated candle and a warning about possible retribution from the White Collar Mafia. Later, Chuck goes through Bart’s vault for answers, openly (and cheesily) asking: “Father, what were you involved in?”

Now for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Velvet items: 1 (black blazer)

Ascots: 1 (Finally!!!)

Wool: 2 (trench, gray blazer w/black piping)

Pocket squares: 1 (black)

Turtlenecks: 1 (black)

An overwhelming amount of black, once again. How I miss the loud argyle socks/sweater vests paired with plaid bow-ties. Perhaps we’ll see a return to ludicrously mismatched patterns in blaring colors when winter is over. Worth a mention: serious over-unbuttoning…hello chest hair!

“Thank you, Jesus.” -Minion

“No. Thank you, Blair.” - Blair

Gossip Girl: O Brother, Where Bart Thou?

Well, this one was a doozy.

Bart Bass is dead and Chuck is in self-imposed solitary confinement at a hotel. He’s avoiding everyone while comforting himself with plenty of booze and possibly an orgy (didn’t they mention twins?). Blair is taking this avoidance very personally. Serena uses her mourning time to wander about in black negligee and talk about how “natural” it feels to spend so much time with Dan. Is anyone surprised?

Sneaking out, away from the prying eyes of her meddling mother, Lily meets with Rufus in the park. He says he’ll wait for her, as long as it takes, six months or six years. I think “forever” might have been a more romantic sentiment, but he tried. Cece followed Lily and now knows the union she tried so hard to break up is in full force.

At the funeral, Dan and Aaron bicker over who Serena texted first and when she arrives she noticeably hugs Dan longer. Basically, it’s a whole lotta boring until Chuck enters the scene. Hair mussed, eyes red, head cocked like a drunk and confused Rottweiler, the remaining Bass has to be held up by Nate and Blair. He spends much of his screen time snarling at people with nostrils flared, bandying about wild accusations. When Lily comes up to comfort him he says, “Don’t touch me, whore!” He tells Dan his father is to blame for Bart’s death, kicks him out (which made perfect sense to me) and stumbles inside.

Doing his best to push everyone away, Chuck throws insults around before making a grand exit. Blair follows him to his limo, tells him to stay or take her. She gives a romantic speech, saying “I’ll stand by you through anything because… I love you.” She’s finally said those three little words. Although he looks gutted, he gathers his angry arrogance before replying, “Well that’s too bad.” If I were to psychoanalyze his actions, I would say he’s trying to distance himself from those he cares about because he’s afraid of another loss. He’s also full of pain and lacks the maturity to seek comfort through healthy channels. If he can find someone to blame, he thinks that will bring him solace.

Blair is devastated. After Cyrus tells her how happy he is that they’re becoming family, she blurts out that she told Chuck she loves him and that it did not go well. In a moment of undeniable sweetness, he comforts her and they share a sincere hug.

Aaron, master of impeccable timing, decides the funeral of his girlfriend’s stepfather is the perfect moment to present her with a ticket to Buenos Aires for Christmas. Pretty presumptuous move on his part. Now, I’m just a regular human being, but leaving my family at Christmastime (directly following a tragedy) to go frolicking around South America seems, well, cold. Selfish. Besides that, Aaron’s facial hair is bothersome.

Serena runs the little trip by Dan, who rightly says: “Are you asking me to ask you not to go?” She doesn’t exactly confirm or deny that she’s fishing but says Aaron is great. Dan tells her she has her answer, then notices there has been a muffin fruit mix-up and makes his usual bumbling exit. Lily tells Serena it’s cool to go on the trip and makes plan to go away with Rufus. So is Eric going to hang with his adulterous ex and alky grandma for the holidays? Is it any wonder the kid tried to off himself?

Although Cece was supposed to pay the PI to get Lily’s file of scandalous secrets, she decides it’s time for the truth to come out. So she lies about having taken care of it. How delightfully hypocritical. Chuck meets with Lily, looking satisfied with his win. She tells him not to turn his back on those who love him, a lesson his father never learned. Apparently her speech does the trick because he burns the papers. Cece makes sure Rufus knows the secret anyway, claiming she’s helping to give Lily and him a real chance at happiness. Riiiiight.

And the secret is…Lily had Rufus’s baby. Okay, it was kinda obvious but it is enough to end their romance. Also, it’s a little skeevy to think about Dan and Serena dating each other when they share a sibling. I know it isn’t technically incest but…it’s a bit on the awkward side. Presumably, she gave the kid up for adoption. Are we going to meet the Van der Humphrey spawn?

After Cyrus and Eleanor’s nuptials, Dorota takes Blair aside to tell her something. Chuck is sitting on her bed. Destroyed. She wraps herself around him. He hesitates, then he leans back against her, affectionately holding her arm. Tears roll down his cheeks and he looks deeply wounded. If this one didn’t bring tears to your eyes, you are officially not human. Blair spoons him while he sleeps. She wakes up to find him gone and a note that says: “I’m sorry for everything. You deserve much better. Don’t come looking for me. –Chuck” I assume we’re going to see him back to his old debauchery for a while.

Now it’s time for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I like most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

This was a disappointing week in nutty Chuck garb. It hardly seems worth noting but here goes:

Pinstripe suit: 1

Pocket square: 1

V-neck pullover: 1

No paisley, no hef-like robes, no plaid, no ascots, no bowties, no loud scarves. Absolutely no sparkle. It was all bleak funeral attire for Mr. Bass this week. *Tear*

I can’t believe we have to wait a month for the next episode!

“Nobody is comforted by a tuna tower.” -Lily

“Only a masochist could love such a narcissist.” –Blair