The Dope Box TV Blog

Liz Lemon’s biological clock is not just ticking; it’s sounding a thunderous alarm. An alarm so hypnotizing, it makes her hoard the abandoned shoes of infants and carry them around in a tote.  As if that isn’t creepy enough, she also pets the heads of unknown children, one of whom turns out to be a little person named Stuart (Peter Dinklage). She plays it off as flirtation and, luckily for her, he likes his women “aggressive with a nerdy vibe.”

The perfect outfit for an intervention about your spending habits: A shirt made entirely out of money and solid gold shoes. When Tracy says he spends so his wife can’t leave him and take everything, Jack hooks him up with a post-nup. But Tracy tears it up when Angie says she won’t leave him or, rather, that she’s going to “watch him die.” A celebratory nookie-fest ensues in Jack’s office and again in the hallway (where a traumatized Kenneth turns away in horror).

Jack finds a lump on his ball whilst using a public urinal. The shock causes him to ingest a peppermint with the wrapper still intact. I’m so neurotic, all I could think was: Did he wash his hands before taking that mint?  His mother’s nurse Elisa (Salma Hayek) examines his testicle and he soon falls in love with her. The two events are not necessarily correlated. He goes to a picnic where he’s greeted by Salma’s ample bosom and handed a baby.

Liz is determined not to ruin things with Stuart. She decides never to mention Wii or to order tall coffee around him. It’s all over when she puts her arm in front of him to protect him from fire and calls herself “weirder” than he is. Hoping for a second chance, she asks Stu to meet her on the Brooklyn Bridge if he wants a fresh start (like Miranda/Steve do in the Sex and the City movie). While she waits, she fluffs the hair of some little boy. Stuart witnesses the random act of mussing and realizes that’s what Liz was doing when they met. As a fan of Dinklage, I was hoping she’d take a little longer screwing it up.

In the meantime, Jenna is pushing hard to score the part of Janis Joplin in a movie with Jack Donaghy at the helm. She auditions in character and full-on costume but she’s a little fuzzy on historical details of the late 60’s (”What is that iron bird?”). They don’t actually have the rights to Joplin’s name or music, however. So, on TGS, Jenna is introduced as Janet Jopler and sings something that sounds like “Take another little chunk of my lung now, mister.”

Favorite Kenneth moment of the week: His version of “Top That” from Teen Witch, complete with old school hand gestures and an explanation for being the substitute warm-up act.

“I find that authoritative, rapid Spanish subdues white people.” -Elisa