The Dope Box TV Blog

We’re always treated to disgusting symptoms. In fact, nary an episode goes by that we don’t see blood being hacked up or spit out or mixed with urine in a catheter. This time, the patient of the week at Princeton Plainsboro has a smorgasbord of bloody unpleasantness. Her belly swells with blood; she sleepily scratches a hole through her head all the way to brain matter; she oozes blood out every facial orifice. Her problem? A super gnarly period.

Despite bringin’ the grossness, the patient also inspired rage, guilt, and introspection in those around her. She had been a brilliant doctor, close to curing kiddie cancer, when she decided she wasn’t happy and became a chef’s assistant instead. She essentially gave the “greater good” the finger so she could chop onions beside pretentious guys in funny hats.

The abandonment of such a noble cause makes Taub question his wife’s decision to forgo having offspring and makes Wilson pissy. Taub eventually decides he’s cool with no kids and Wilson fesses up to being haunted by Amber’s stuff. More specifically, Wilson is haunted by Amber’s mug that has been sitting next to the sink, growing botulism since her death. Its ultimate washing symbolizes a healthy move forward. Sidebar: Seeing Wilson wash dishes makes me so zen.

Foreman and Thirteen are doing it. When they’re in bed together, Foreman makes a verbal observation about her pillow-full of nighttime saliva: “You drool.” He doesn’t say it in a playful way either, but it succeeds in making her giggle and look coyly at her spitty pillow. Later, he tells her about the totally unethical switcheroo he pulled and she responds by saying she’s not comfortable with him being that into her. Turns out she has some kind of ocular tumor which magically sprouted in less than a week of being on the real trial meds. After an MRI, Foreman goes to visit her and she has the big “My leg is bleeding and I’m blind!” reveal, making me snicker uncontrollably. House and Foreman perform radiation on her, resulting in an “I can see!” moment. This time my snicker turned to a full-blown belly laugh. Even though she’s better and there is absolutely no valid reason, Foreman rats on himself to the trial doctor. Oh, and we get another slice of Foreteen pillowtalk: “You snore.”

The most enjoyable part of the episode was Cuddy’s ongoing revenge on House. Due to the fact that no one else is capable of dealing with his tomfoolery, Cuddy has to leave Rachel with a nanny so she can resume her duties. Interestingly, all her pranks involve causing him harm or discomfort on a physical level, readily taking advantage of the fact that he’s gimpy. In a particularly amusing moment, House’s cane is stolen so he snatches the janitor’s mop and bucket for support. He wheels his way in to see Cuddy who looks up and says, “I don’t remember demoting you.”

House does not retaliate, claiming he wants a return to normalcy and his reprisal will only escalate things. Wilson is convinced that House is really just taking the hits because he feels guilty about being the cause of Cuddy’s forced return. When Cuddy eventually apologizes he tells her he blames Aunt Flo for her recent bought of vengeance. Can’t a girl ever be enraged to the point of pranks and boobytraps without menstruation being the presumed culprit? And, perhaps more importantly, what the hell is going on with Cuddy’s bangs?

“Shocks without shock; an itch that won’t stop. She needs Dr. Seuss.” -House

House, Let Them Eat Cake, Fox TV series, Episode Recap & Review Blog

Emmy’s the kind of fitness instructor who enthusiastically roots for you while doing tummy crunches by your side; all pep, no bite. When a rotund man has trouble breathing, she gently guides him through the workout. She says things like: “Feel that burn? That’s your body carving out its new shape.” Her positivity seems to inspire the winded chap. Personally, I couldn’t help thinking: Someone should push her ass down the stairs. Shortly thereafter, Emmy loses consciousness and does a full-body roll down a dozen bleachers. I probably wasn’t supposed to laugh, but I did.

At Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, the fitness guru is happy to do a stress test if it means she gets to exercise. She scoffs at the mere mention of indulgence. Yet again, this incites hostility within me and I’m delighted when the hag falls over. A scan of her stomach reveals that she’s had gastric bypass surgery. Slightly hypocritical, considering her whole career involves telling people to lose weight the “right” way. Taub seems irritated by the discovery and points out her duplicity. She asks whether he’d have a surgery if it would make him taller (a sucky hypothetical since that kind of surgical procedure actually does exist). His response made me chuckle: “Sure, but I wouldn’t call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it.”

When she’s certain she is going to die, Emmy asks for chocolate cake. Totally understandable. After a handful of misdiagnoses and some interesting tests (Poop: buoyant or not?) they arrive at a diagnosis that displeases her more than imminent death. She has hereditary coproporphyria, which is regulated by consuming a diet high in carbohydrates. House recommends finishing off the chocolate cake she started. Is there anything more awesome than a chocolate cake treatment? Rather than celebrating her cool excuse to pig out, Emmy opts to take medicine to treat the symptoms. She’d rather be thin and pretty than plump and healthy. The sick part of it is that most women would probably make the same choice.

Thirteen starts the clinical trial for Huntington’s and finds out her nerves have started degenerating. Foreman is suspicious when she’s consistently late for appointments. Using that reliable House-ian method to get around patients who lie, Foreman breaks into her apartment. Turns out she’s following the prescribed treatment perfectly. She’s just avoiding being near people who are visibly suffering from the disease. It brings up painful memories of her mother. Foreman tells her she needs to show up on time, regardless of how hard it is.

Jumping on the entrepreneurial train, Kutner starts a little online diagnosis business. For whatever reason, he lets Taub in on the details. The site is called: Dr. Gregory House’s Second Opinion Clinic with Dr. Gregory House. Just a teensy bit fraudulent. Taub agrees to keep it mum if he gets 30% of the profits. DeeDee, an online patient with lopsided boobs and hair loss, threatens to sue them if they don’t figure out what’s wrong with her. All tattooed and leather-clad, she shows up at the hospital, starts singing the Lime in the Coconut song that unites crazies and drunks alike, and begins bleeding from her ears. Which brings up the age-old chicken vs. egg quandary: Which came first, the Coconut song or the ear bleeding?

Cameron and Chase offer their help (though Chase requires a 25% cut) but keep urging them to tell House. Boob girl drops dead and House pays Taub and Kutner a visit in the morgue. He prattles on about how easy she would have been to cure and starts giving her chest compressions. She magically awakens from her stony slumber. Nah, the whole thing was a ruse, acted out by a thespian hooker who was hired by House to scare the shit out of Taub and Kutner. Now they have to cut him in for 50%. Don’t you just love a dead hooker hoax?

This episode was brimming with House/Cuddy interaction…

Since her office is a disaster, due mostly to the whole hostage catastrophe, Cuddy decides to share with House. During the differential diagnosis of Emmy, Cuddy interjects her opinions at a steady pace, cramping one particular curmudgeon’s style. And so begins their form of flirtation: a one-upping competition.

When Cuddy started playing with House’s ball, I knew testicle jokes would soon follow. While she’s on the phone, House loudly asks whether she’s seen his balls. She says she has them and he’s not getting them back. House gets rid of the furniture; Cuddy purposely spills hydrogen sulfide (which smells like a giant fart); House sledgehammers her toilet, then convinces a contractor to redo her office according to his plans. Installing a bidet instead of a toilet? Brilliant.

While Huddy breaks their sexual tension by torturing one another, Wilson offers each of them some solid advice. He tells Cuddy she chose House’s office because she wants a relationship, but sitting across from him “ain’t gonna get it done.” After House explains his plans to mess with Cuddy’s office renovation, Wilson wisely mentions this will only prolong their cohabitating. He tells House to just ask her out already. I love Wilson.

In a sexually charged moment, House accuses Cuddy of dressing sexy to tempt him. They get excruciatingly close and she says, “I think we’re supposed to kiss.” Since that step has already been crossed off his list, he skips the lips and cups a boob. She exits in a mild huff and is shocked to find her office looking…lovely. Her old desk from med school sits in the middle of the room. House? Making a sweeping romantic gesture like that? She’s all smiles and bounces her way to his office…where he’s chatting up DeeDee.

Frustrated? Don’t be. Yes, he has feelings for Cuddy, but he’s still House. Irascible, naughty, unpredictable House. He’s also a bit of a chicken when it comes to love. My problem with the final scene isn’t House’s actions; I expect him to be imperfect. I had an issue with Cuddy’s reaction. She’s tough. The whole episode showed she can go toe-to-toe with the cunning antagonist. Shouldn’t she just have barged in, kicked that hooker out, and tackled him? I find the shrinking violet act to be a bit of a sham, part of a subterfuge to further string us along. And it’s totally working.

“Is this fun for you? Analyzing everyone else’s fun away?” –House, to Wilson