Nip/Tuck: Ricky Wells – Step Away from the Pig
Convincing a staunch lesbian that she’s in love with a misogynistic, egomaniacal, testosterone-driven manwhore is no easy feat. But the supernatural power of Christian’s penis has cast a spell of heterosexuality over Liz. They’re giving romance a try, and it isn’t going well. For starters, his instructional guidance on fellatio was about as sexy as a quilting bee. When she gets up, having failed at oral, he throws her a robe. She knows it’s because he doesn’t want to see her naked, although he claims he’s just preventing her from getting chilly. In the bathroom, she cries and pulls her face back as if contemplating a surgical lift. Their relationship is definitely not good for her self-esteem.
Clearly satisfied with his pectoral reconstruction, Christian quickly brings home plenty of tail. Realistically, wouldn’t he have still looked swollen and bruised from the surgery? I know, I know. Realism has little place in the Nip/Tuck universe. While he enjoys a rotating door of easy women, Liz spends all day getting beautified for a date with him. She walks in on him partaking in some bathtub lovin’ (which just looks uncomfortable) and he doesn’t even take a momentary thrusting pause.
All Christian’s vigorous humping knocks his implant loose. He and his wandering boob rush over to Liz for a consolatory hug. And in a case of perfect karmic reprisal, she happens to be entertaining a lady friend. Christian seems mildly jealous and says, “Are you cheating on me?” She says yes, dismisses his peck displacement as no big deal, and shoves his ass out the door.
Days later, following yet another walk-in on Christian doing some random chick, Liz resigns. The quirky friendship between them and their playfully sarcastic banter is a huge asset to the show, so hopefully this rift is only temporary.
The patient plotline was clearly a spoof of the Mary Kay Letourneau debacle. Blatantly naming the teacher Carrie May was an amusing touch. Ricky, her teen lover/husband, has hair plugs implanted on his upper lip, widow’s peak, and sideburns. The final effect does indeed make him look older…and also like a 70’s porn star. She looks horrified by his transformation and, naturally, hops into bed with his little bro.
Mattie’s quest to become a doctor is quickly losing steam. He’s clueless about organic chemistry and sucks at basic anatomy. While under the tutelage of Sean, he does surgery on a dead pig and removes the wrong organ. For some reason, the ubiquitous fake blood doesn’t gross me out but the stringy slime dangling from the pig organs made my stomach lurch.
Raj’s father stops by McNamara/Troy for a little abusive parenting. First, he pressures his son to perform a penis enlargement on him (uber-creepy). Then, upon hearing about Christian’s suture mishap, he decides to take his penis elsewhere, smacking and belittling Raj on the way out. Sean and Mattie introduce Raj to the world of chicken wings (”My mouth is burning but I can’t stop eating these amazing poultry samples!”), underage drinking, and pot-smoking. After getting supremely baked, Raj confesses to fantasizing about cutting his own hands off so he wouldn’t have to be a doctor anymore. And how, like every other teenage boy, he’d like to be a Playboy photographer. He and Matt bond over paternal neglect and swap stories about sexual escapades with trannies. Then Mattie honors Raj’s request for a brutal hand-crushing. The event causes Mattie to conclude that doctorin’ is way hard and he’d prefer simply playing one on TV.
“Sorry, pal. Women are women…even if they used to be lesbians.” -Sean
