The Dope Box TV Blog

The Hills, MTV Series, Mondays

Obviously this episode’s purpose was to setup Whitney’s future spinoff. Kelly Cutrone, the matron of darkness, sends Whit and LC off to NY for fashion week where they help out by dressing and interrogating male models (seriously, what was with the 20 questions?). Model #1 wouldn’t divulge his age, and I was certain his delicate sensibilities had been disturbed. Until he asked the girls out.

They meet up with Model #1 and Alex at Il Bastardo (perfect) where Whitney begins her juggling act. She eyes hairy musician Jay who she fauns over, and subsequently ignores Alex. LC encourages her to “be forward” (all praise promiscuity!) with the “serenader”.  Alex is clearly sweet on Whitney and stayed, waiting for attention, for an emasculating, embarrassingly long time. He and his trucker hat were ditched for the newest Aussie love interest on the show.

Back in LA: Heidi, looking pensive and synthetic, is upset over losing her “job” and seeks comfort from…Spencer? He seems giddy and can’t understand why being fired would be an issue. This is because a). Being Heidi’s boyfriend/wet-blanket is the only gig he’s ever had, and b). They’re making $65K each, per episode for filming this malarkey. But they can’t mention that on camera. It’s sort of like Fight Club; the first rule about The Hills is you don’t talk about The Hills.

Spencer convinces Heidi that being fired is a reason to party. While they’re out they just happen to run into Brent Bolthouse, which is totally not a setup by producers or anything. Mr. Pratt actually surprised me by being genuinely apologetic and trying to get Heidi her job back (despite secretly wanting her to be unemployed so he can get in some serious smothering). Spencer is told he’s “bad news”. Heidi tries to resolve the conflict with her standard doe-eyed-crinkly-brow “I’m, like, upset” expression.

“Dude, your boyfriend’s a nightmare; what’s wrong with you?”

 –Brent Bolthouse, to…guess who

Real World/Road Rules: The Island, MTV series, Wednesdays

The host of this reunion special was virtually silent during the first half of the show. I was ready to dismiss him as yet another unprepared MTV hack until he said, “Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. You dumb bitch.” Golf clap. 

Evelyn, sans omnipresent visor, got all gussied up for this reunion special. She fielded questions with a level head and managed with ease to look like the most rational person there. Now on to the crazies.

I have been around enough sloppy, drunk, pill-popping college chicks to know one when I see one. That doesn’t make it any less amusing. KellyAnne got her batshit on…using “fuck” as the glue that held her words together, flailing her arms at a pace that was out of synch with her yelling, jaunting through several trains of thought per sentence. It was also revealed that she’s doing Johanna’s ex-fiancé out of spite. I’m certain MTV producers were chomping at the bit to rebook her.

 Paula’s self-pity caused her to spend a good portion of the show hyperventilating. She seemed angrier about looking like a chump than losing $75K. Expecting Bananas to apologize for doing what he had to do to win is nuts. This is not a documentary on friendship. If it were, there would be more hair-braiding and less drunken fights over limp dongs.

 ”It’s 90% wiener.” -Ryan, on his man/woman ratio