The Dope Box TV Blog

First off, I find it funny that the title references Gone with the Wind because I’ve made the comparison between Blair/Chuck and Scarlett/Rhett before. And probably will again. Now let’s get to the episode…

As Chuck fixes his tie in the mirror, and makes a sad face, I’m reminded of his age. He briefly looks like the melancholy teen he is (even though Ed Westwick is actually 21) rather than the strangely ageless but un-teen-like Chuck we’re used to. As Uncle Jack pulls up outside, Blair walks over, saying Chuck asked her to be at the reading of the will for support. Jack takes their moment alone as an opportunity. After all, the will-reading of your dead older bro is the perfect time to ask out your orphan nephew’s underage love interest, right? It’s clear that whatever happened on New Year’s (which they have successfully dragged out further), it was definitely of a sexual nature.

All of you who were upset by the absence of Nate Archibald last week will be pleased to know that Captain Vanilla has reappeared. There to help Chuck through this difficult moment, Nate pops up out of nowhere. He and Blair are both stuck outside the official will-reading room, and she is not happy about it. In a refreshingly selfish moment, she says: “I wouldn’t have come to this party if I knew I wasn’t VIP.” Turns out Chuck gets 51% of Bass Industries and the position of Head Honcho. Jack. Is. Pissed.

Chuck is ready to give up his position as Most-Powerful-Bass but Blair won’t allow it. She nags him (with love, of course) until he reads the letter from his dead poppa. Changing his mind, he assures his uncle that there will still be a place for him in the company. A statement that would seem irritatingly condescending coming from a seventeen year-old (no matter how expertly coiffed).

Claiming he’s totally over being dethroned by a kid, Jack tells Blair he’d like her to help plan a surprise party (which Blair naturally changes to a brunch). The night before the shindig, Jack shows up with 3 Amazonian women, who were either sluts or simply whores, and the promise of a night of debauchery. Chuck considers Blair’s feelings for a millisecond before texting (texting!) to cancel their evening plans.

Jenny reminds me of my teenage counterpart, awwww-ing over Eric and Jonathon’s matching backpacks. I’ve always been a sucker for the gays, especially in identical accessories. But Little J is annoying the crap out of Eric by tagging along on all their dates. They fight over who is more obnoxious and briefly part ways.

Dan is avoiding Serena since being told to put the kibosh on the whole “we share a sibling” revelation. Instead, he chats on the phone about it near Penelope, who only gathers that Dan’s hiding something. So begins Mission: Prove Dan’s a Cheater. All the dirt they can find on LonelyBoy thus far is that he brown-bags a tuna sandwich for lunch, making Blair remark: “Tuna fish? Why does he make it so hard for himself?”

Vanessa is back and in a candy store with Humphrey (do they think we’ll like her more if she’s surrounded by colorful deliciousness?). He’s accosted by tween Gossip Girl readers, who call him a “Brooklyn Pig” and tell V she “failed upward” by moving from Dan to Nate. Sneaky Nelly Yuki steals Dan’s cell. Not since the Paris Hilton Sidekick hacking of ‘05 has there been such an explosive mobile telecommunications scandal. As usual, Vanessa makes things worse, texting Dan (i.e.  The Girls) an amazingly specific message about the Van der Humphrey spawn.

Emo Humphrey shows up at Chuck’s surprise party, awkwardly yapping about the awesomeness that is brunch. All the guests get the Gossip Girl text about Dan and Serena’s shared sibling and simultaneously stare, disgusted, in their direction. S is way mad for a couple minutes, telling E that the whole thing is a “little more hillbilly” than she can handle. But it turns out, sharing a sibling with her boyfriend is just the right amount of hillbilly for her, since they quickly make up and have celebratory Boggle and PB & J.

Rufus and Lily search for their mystery offspring but hit a wall. Lily’s ready to pack it up, afraid any new slice of info will somehow make Rufus hate her. They fight, she says she still loves him, they have some hotel sex. While participating in naked nostalgia, the phone rings. It’s the adopted dad, requesting a secret meeting. He tells them the kid died in a sailing accident and hands them a newspaper clipping that confirms the tale. I told my viewing partner it was a set-up and after the son-switcheroo was revealed I did a triumphant dance and solo rendition of “Nanny-nanny-boo-boo.” One good thing that came out of this? Rufus and Lily aren’t hiding their affections anymore, boldly holding hands in front of their respective progeny. So, Dan and Serena share a brother and their parents are dating? They should consider incorporating “Dueling Banjos” into the show’s soundtrack.

Back at the brunch, Jack arrives and tells some board members and Blair to go see Chuck, who’s upstairs in his office. Since the previous night was just an Uncle Bassian ploy to make his nephew look all chump-y, the guests are treated to Old School Chuck upon their arrival. Strewn across the desk are remnants of an eventful night (pills, tiny baggies…) and the new head of Bass Industries is rubbing his nose, flanked by 2 half-naked chicks, still in the clothes from the reading of the will. A “Morality Clause” allows board members to vote out Chuck for liking hookers and blow. Well played, Uncle Jack.

Chuck blames Blair for arranging the brunch in the first place, telling her to stop “trying to play the wife.” He later arrives at her doorstep, apologetic flowers in hand. But Blair ain’t havin’ it. His latest stint of douchebaggery sent her over the edge. She’s hurt and disappointed but rational enough to remember what she stands for. Throwing the flowers at his feet, but never raising her voice, she tells him she’s done.

Now it’s time for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Well, Chuck spent the whole episode in the same outfit due to his night o’ sinnin’. But here it is:

Colored Pocket Square: 1

Wool suit: 1

Trench coat: 1 (camel with black piping!)

Sadly, no fugly scarves or beloved ascots this week. *Sniff*

“What now, people? It’s not like I brought a tuna sandwich.” - Dan

I knew we would see Chuck knee-deep in some kind of wanton depravity. And I wondered how the writers would up the ante from his past indiscretions. Having him splayed out in a Thai opium den with a sexually ambiguous prostitute? Success!

It seems Serena spent her vacation in Buenos Aires dancing in a nondescript café with creepy old guys circling around. Most of us would find this uncomfortable, but S seemed utterly delighted by all the leering. When she returns to the Upper East Side, she brings news of Rufus and Lily being broken up “forever.” She also ditched Aaron 3 hours into the flight. So rejoice! A. Rose has been removed, if somewhat sloppily, from the picture. Dan and Serena look into each other’s eyes, concur that they feel the same, and then he hooks her in for a kiss.

I suppose it was unavoidable that they would reunite but, as usual, their relationship is doomed. Rufus walks in on them groping each other and kicks blondie out. He did this for 2 unspoken reasons. A). He doesn’t want his son to repeat his mistakes (teenage-procreating with a Van der Woodsen, leading to a secret French hospitalization and surreptitious private adoption)…B). He knows they share a sibling, which is kinda gross. Rufus is so determined to break them up that even a spirited cheer from Jenny (”Dan and Serena! Woo!”) can’t change his mind.

S and Lonely-boy begin the search for the reason behind the recent breakup of their parents. He finds a number to an adoption agency on his dad’s desk. You would think he’d be able to put it together on the spot, what with his supposed journalistic acuity. But no, it takes a phone call with Rufus and a conversation with Chuck (who spells it all out) for Dan to get it.

Rufus has been busily searching for the mystery Van der Humphrey spawn, to no avail. He’s furious with Lily, which is a little douche-y considering she was young, broken-hearted, and being forced into the whole thing by her controlling mother. He tells her he doesn’t hate her but is just angry that she didn’t tell him. In her defense, they were estranged for a long time afterwards and it’s hard to squeeze this into a conversation: “Oh, remember a couple decades ago when we had all that sex? Well, you sperminated me, I had our baby in a French sanatorium, and then I handed the lil’ bastard off to strangers.”

When Dan tells his pops he knows everything, Rufus makes him promise to let Lily break it to Serena. So there is a human in the world who shares both of their DNA and Dan’s going to withhold it from her? This does not bode well for theirs, the most yawn-inducing of all relationships.

Little J, who now insists she be called Jenny, is back at school and on a selfless mission to save Nelly Yuki from the evil clutches of Penelope. At the Saloon (okay, it was an ice cream parlor, but saloon seems more fitting), Jenny demands Nelly be treated with respect. Penelope responds by dumping the frozen treat on her shoe and making the four-eyed lackey clean it off with her finger. Honestly, I thought P was going to get hardcore and make her lick it up.

A trial is called, with Blair officiating as judge, where Jenny asks that Nelly be let go without reprisals since she’s put in a year of hard-labor as their minion. Penelope makes the case that (like the mafia) no one can just leave. If word gets out that there is no punishment, the Girls of the Steps will lose their almighty power. Blair’s verdict: Who cares?

Later, back at the Saloon, Jenny and Eric and Nelly sit at Penelope’s table. When they refuse to move, Penelope calls daddykins, claiming Jenny and Eric are bullying her. It turns out Nelly has plenty of dirt on the Girls (Penelope is sleeping with her dad’s junior partner…gasp!) and Jenny uses it to ensure Nelly’s freedom. Penelope assumes the blackmailing is being done for an elevated social position and when she hears it is a simple good deed it makes her (and me) bored. Nelly was hoping the whole effort was to start a new school regime in which she’d be higher on the totem pole. She jumps ship and returns to being tortured upon hearing Jenny’s virtuous intentions.

Blair has decided to go after a position in the Colony Club, a prestigious ladies club in NYC, as a way to create a life uncomplicated by a certain ascot-loving, naughty, billionaire orphan. But when she receives a text from Uncle Jack Bass, saying Chuck is back, she goes a-running. Young and dapper Uncle Jack (played by Desmond Harrington), pulls a mostly unconscious Chuck out of the limo. While this makes Jack look amused, Blair is seriously stressed.

Sure, he’s been inhaling illegal substances in foreign lands, chillin’ with hookers, and walking around in a drug haze so thick he can barely open his eyes…but the real sign that Chuck is in trouble is something much more disturbing. He shows up at school at the end of the day wearing a t-shirt!!! I wasn’t aware that he owned a shirt without a collar. Blair was more disturbed by the joint he was smoking though (silly girl) and accompanied him to Headmistress Kweller’s boardroom to discuss his behavior. She pleads for him to be forgiven on account of his temporary insanity. Jack shows up as his legal guardian and Chuck greets him as if this were their first meeting. When his uncle mentions the rickshaw ride in Bangkok and the 15 hour flight home, Chuck says, “That was you?” Headmistress says all can be forgiven if he doesn’t do it again. And then he lights up hash joint number two.

Chuck is afflicted with dead eyes. When Blair looks into them, she says she can’t see him anymore. She’s distraught and attempts to talk to Chuck about it at Victor Victrola, the burlesque club he’s re-purchased (the one he originally bought to impress his dad, who ridiculed him for it). Blair is dressed in ruffles piled up to her neck, a noticeable contrast to the nearly-nude, fringe-and-fishnet-clad women all around. She tells Chuck, who is sandwiched between two dancers, he should go home and stop acting like an ass, that this behavior isn’t him. It would seem he’s trying to be what his father expected. He tells her: “It’s time you let go of your fantasies. Now, is that it or were you going to tell me you love me again?”

Blair goes back home to get ready for the Colony Club ladies. She sits in front of her mirror and cries a bit, texting Serena to come over for support. By the time S gets there, B has put on a black beret and a new attitude. She’s ready to move on, to build herself a society life. Serena lays on the guilt about this being an abandonment of Chuck (which is pretty unfair considering she was so unconcerned with him that she hadn’t even noticed whether or not he’d been home).

The Colony ladies are a mass of argyle sweaters and shoulder-wrapped cardigans. They scoff at Serena, Lily, and the late Mr. Bass. One woman says the car that hit Bart was “a mercy killing.” Blair plays along for a little while until they insult Chuck. She stands up, declaring that “piece of work” needs her, and storms out. Dorota beams at Miss Waldorf and shoots a smug look at the shocked group.

Blair arrives just in time, as Chuck drunkenly wanders along the edge of the roof with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Hair all mussed, Chuck yells: “I’m Chuck Bass!” He then whispers, in a quiet and melancholy tone, “Who cares?” Blair steps up, telling him she cares, she’ll always be there, and she can’t bear losing him. “So whatever you want to do to yourself, don’t do it to me. Please.” He takes her hand, buries his face in her shoulder and softly apologizes. All together now: *Awww*

Here’s where it gets sticky. Uncle Bass puts Chuck in the limo and says he would rather keep an eye on him than take him to Lily’s. Blair says Chuck “can’t know what happened on New Year’s.” If that’s in reference to her sleeping with Jack, would she be so nonchalant about it? And would she really do that to Chuck? I’m a bit torn, frankly. She readily proclaims her devotion to him but she’s certainly capable of slipping up (lest we forget her first back-of-the-limo rendezvous with Chuck).

I’m not gonna lie. I was looking forward to venturing back into the Land O’ Debauchery. But this time, while I was amused by the decadence, I also felt dirty and a little sad. The difference now being that Chuck is no longer enjoying himself. He’s in deep mourning, numbing the pain with drugs and loose women. And the occasional tranny.

Now for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Robes: 1 (silky, Kimono-style)

Socks/Matching-Shirt combo: 1 (both red)

Trench coat: 1

Ascots: 1 (Yay!!!)

Fugly Scarves: 1

Uncharacteristic pieces: 2 (the infamous yellow tee, a velour tracksuit)

Signature red/white/blue scarf sighting? Nope. Is it wrong to pine for a scarf?

“He’ll show up in a couple days minus a few million brain cells and some liver tissue.” -Serena, on Chuck

 Loading ...

Recent Related Posts: Gossip Girl: The Evolution of Chuck Bass ; Gossip Girl: O Brother, Where Bart Thou?