The Dope Box TV Blog

True Blood, HBO TV show, Sundays

Lying to Layfayette makes him cranky. Lying and hypocritically railing against vamps and gays on television makes him scrub off the makeup, chuck the dew rag, and put on a suit. Seeing him like that was like seeing Bill in a tutu.

Bill innocently waits for Jessica to rise from the ground, a 4-pack of True Blood by his side. He envisions mentoring her for mainstream life; she prefers to celebrate her newfound freedom from clarinets and oppressive-parents-who-make-her-wear-apron-dresses by swearin’, gigglin’, and blood suckin’. Following her barrage of “whys” and wave of disappointment at his squareness, Bill passes Jess off to Eric.

After Sam’s well-timed saving of Sookie from the mystery killer, they’re like two peas in a seriously fucked up pod. He’s sleeping on her sofa now, shotgun on the mantle, continuing to watch over her in a less naked way. She’s gotten past his whole clandestine part-time doggie situation and he’s forgiven her for being a heinous bitch about his big reveal.

The two play detective, searching for the killer by following the dead girl’s trail. It leads them to a diner where a pie connoisseur eats and gabs. From there, they hit the local police station where Sookie’s bite marks cause the provincial cop to clam up. He loosens right up when she uses her mind powers to blackmail him. He promises to fax the picture of dead chick’s brother, Drew Marshall, to the Bon Temps cops.

On the drive home, Sook and Sam talk love while he shoots her moony looks. Do her telepathic talents impinge on her ability to see the glaringly obvious?

Sam’s rather distracted by Sookie all day and only pauses momentarily to call the girl he’s actually having relations with. Tara, who we last saw swerving off the road, has been busy flunking sobriety tests and babbling about filthy nude women with giant pigs. She’s thrown in a cell and the cops call her mom. If anyone were to understand nonsensical ranting whilst intoxicated, it would be her mother, right? It turns out, now that mommy thinks she’s exorcized, she’s all into prayer circles, salvation, and tough love. Tara is told she’s a danger to her mother’s newly saved soul and can’t go home. Luckily (?) hog lady, Mary Anne, comes to bail her out. Tara doesn’t recognize her and takes her up on an invite to crash at her mansion. Sure, she might be swine food but at least she’ll be able to change out of that fugly dress.  

Earthchild Amy (who’s not crazy at all) and Jason are swimming in the bloody vestiges of Eddie, the staked vampire. Aw, poor Eddie. He was such a hapless, hopeless case. Amy rationalizes killing him since he was already dead. Jason gags, calls her a Yankee bitch, tells her to stop using V or she’s history. She calls him a dumb hillbilly (ok, kinda true) but then assures him what they have is “beautiful”. Uh, no. What you have is an addiction to supernatural body fluids and a gooey, stringy pool of vampire pulp.

Jason decides to tell his pals, Hoyt and Rene, that his girlfriend is a V-head. He conveniently leaves out the part where he helped kidnap and drain a local vampire so he could have bizarre floaty sex with her while the gloomy vamp watched and cried blood-tears. Mama’s boy Hoyt recommends working it out. That night, vegan-warrior presents J with a candlelit dinner. She makes a convincing argument for doing V one final time by throwing around big words he can’t wrap his pretty little head around. She wants this last time to be a symbolic representation of a circular journey. It’s an inflated argument when put to a fella who doesn’t understand the concept of sleeves, let alone symmetry. Then some guy strangles her with a belt and interrupts J’s dream of frolicking through a field in tighty whiteys.

Andy Bellefleur has it out for Jason and helps convince the poor dim bastard that he’s the killer. While he walks past, a gossipy receptionist gets the fax for Sookie with a picture of Drew Marshall (except it’s totally Rene).  

Bill arrives at Sookie’s just in time to catch her and the were-collie making out. Fangs out, he tackles and bitch-slaps Sam. Hot supe brawl ensues! Sookie, reserving the right to get her freak on with whomever she pleases, rescinds Bill’s invitation and rejects Sammie.

“It means that I don’t have to sit like a lady. And I can kill anybody I want. And there’s an awful lot of people I’d like to kill.”

-Jessica, on being a vampire

True Blood, HBO television series, Sundays

We revisit Fangtasia in the bloody, chunky aftermath of Longshadow’s slaying. Ginger wades through what remains of the vampire bartender. I would have liked to see the actual staking, honestly. Is that morbid?

Hippy-girl/vampire-drainer Amy convinces Jason to bring their sad, portly, gay catch back to his basement for siphoning. Jason gets to feeling guilty about the whole affair and resists full participation. Amy beckons him to “come with” her as she is about to down a thimble of their liquid prize. Since he has no ability to defy the lure of pleasure, he relents. 

The happy couple start copulating in front of the drainee, after politely thanking him for his donation. Then a visual sequence shows us that being high on V is like swimming through air in front of a jumbo projection of those lame screen saver images that are pre-downloaded to every PC.

During a picnic of raw food in tiny bowls, they profess their love for each other, virtually unbothered by the screams from the basement. They also listen to the leaves giggle…because trees are, um, ticklish. Aren’t they just the cutest psychotic blood-addicted couple ever?

Meanwhile, back at the exorcist’s double wide, Tara is getting the full spiel on why she needs a $799.95 exorcism. Apparently it cures addiction, loneliness, a-type personality flaws, and self-hatred. She should start stock-piling possums cuz I think that covers everybody.

Sam shows up with I’m-sorry-I-said-you-grunt-during-sex flowers. In a sweeping romantic gesture, he tells her he’d rather deal with her “fucked up shit” than be alone.

Sam could take a lesson from Bill on being a gentleman. Yes, he occasionally bites but he also opens doors for ladies. He and Sookie come home from their date to a beheaded cat spinning around the ceiling fan. Bill feels guilty, Sookie feels guilty; they cuddle. The next day he plays a little Wii Golf and heads for a tribunal for staking Longshadow. Vampire road trip!

And the latest in totally obvious revelations is…Sam is the shape-shifting collie.

 ”There’s vampire in your cleavage.” -Pam