The Dope Box TV Blog

Blair is treated to Daddy Waldorf, his suave manfriend, and Dorota wearing Yale colors while standing in front of a blue and white breakfast spread. Inside a Yale duffel is a tiny bulldog, which is the university’s mascot. Gays, color-coordination, muffins, and puppies? Geez, all I got was a free university tee and spiral notebook for my college send-off. Sidenote: Bulldog’s name (Handsome Dan)? Hilarious.

I thought it appropriate that Gilmore Girls got a reference this week. Not since Rory have we seen a teen girl so set on Ivy League glory (unintentional rhyming, I swear!). Blair is so obsessed with Yale that Serena doesn’t have the heart to tell her she got in while Miss Waldorf got wait-listed. I’m no expert on the inner workings of Yale admissions, but is it realistic that Blair (who gets A’s and has a perfect record) is overlooked for Serena (who reserves her brain cells for studying boys and prancing about in shiny dresses)?

The new English professor, Miss Carr, could easily pass for a student. When she’s given a B on a paper, Blair snatches the Iowan teacher up by her arm and explains the concept of “free passes” for second semester seniors. In order to decide whether Miss Carr deserves punishment, Penelope and some other minion play Angel/Devil on Blair’s shoulders. A prank is played on the poor gullible teacher, wherein she gets dressed up for the opera and waits outside a closed restaurant in the cold.

Chuck has planted coke in Jack’s gymbag, set him up with 2 tranny hookers, got him on Megan’s list (for registered sex offenders in California), and tried to buy anthrax with his credit card. But after several failed attempts at dethroning Uncle Basshole, Chuck has come to Lily for help. Watching the two of them bond over Jack’s downfall is cute…except when Chuck gets pissy and repeatedly refers to Rufus as Lily’s “mistress.”

Lily suggests usurping Jack like a responsible adult, but that route doesn’t pay off. Jack shows up during a meeting with a board member and tells Lily he’s better suited for the position of Top Bass than a woman of her “reputation.” Ever ladylike, she hands him a hanky (cloth, of course) to wipe the excess coke off his nose.

My stomach churned repeatedly as we were exposed to an overdose of Nate and Vanessa pawing at each other. Apparently, Captain Vanilla has the Archibald fortune back at his fingertips and Our Lady of Perpetual Buzzkill is bent out of shape about it since she’s all poverty-stricken. She proudly presents him with tickets to the opera (nose-bleed seats). But after sitting next to an old lady with dusty mints and a funky snort-cough, V relents and sits in the Archibald box.

Other happenings at the opera:

• Dan tells Serena that the solution to their parents dating is to bury the weirdness in tiny boxes at the bottom of the ocean. Whah?
• Lily formally adopts Chuck, making her his guardian and new Head of Bass Industries.
• Jack finds out about the switch and tries to rape Lily in the bathroom. Chuck gallantly saves the day and punches his uncle (with nary a hair out of place); Rufus looks mildly ruffled by it all.

Blair actually gets in trouble for her teacher prank (even though she apologized and everything), receiving detention and having Yale put on hold. Dorota knows its war when she sees the look on Blair’s face. It’s Waldorf Black Ops; off the radar, no accountability. Meanwhile, in a Brooklyn art gallery a world away, Miss Carr stops by for a cappuccino (slut!) and LonelyBoy ignores the call of one blond sharer-of-a-sibling. A sweet development: Chuck decides he’d like to move back in to the Van der Woodsen/Bass apartment. Might we see Charles leave the coke-sniffing/whoring in favor of a little Blair-wooing?

Now it’s time for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Plaid items: 4

V-neck pullovers: 2

Shirt/Matching socks combo: 1 (salmon!)

Bowties: 1 (polka-dots, my fave)

Sadly, I still mourn the loss of the fugly red/white/blue signature scarf. Also going through a serious ascot withdrawal.

“Witch hunts are my Valium, Serena. I’m just trying to stay calm.” -Blair

Related Posts: Gossip Girl: The Evolution of Chuck Bass

First off, I find it funny that the title references Gone with the Wind because I’ve made the comparison between Blair/Chuck and Scarlett/Rhett before. And probably will again. Now let’s get to the episode…

As Chuck fixes his tie in the mirror, and makes a sad face, I’m reminded of his age. He briefly looks like the melancholy teen he is (even though Ed Westwick is actually 21) rather than the strangely ageless but un-teen-like Chuck we’re used to. As Uncle Jack pulls up outside, Blair walks over, saying Chuck asked her to be at the reading of the will for support. Jack takes their moment alone as an opportunity. After all, the will-reading of your dead older bro is the perfect time to ask out your orphan nephew’s underage love interest, right? It’s clear that whatever happened on New Year’s (which they have successfully dragged out further), it was definitely of a sexual nature.

All of you who were upset by the absence of Nate Archibald last week will be pleased to know that Captain Vanilla has reappeared. There to help Chuck through this difficult moment, Nate pops up out of nowhere. He and Blair are both stuck outside the official will-reading room, and she is not happy about it. In a refreshingly selfish moment, she says: “I wouldn’t have come to this party if I knew I wasn’t VIP.” Turns out Chuck gets 51% of Bass Industries and the position of Head Honcho. Jack. Is. Pissed.

Chuck is ready to give up his position as Most-Powerful-Bass but Blair won’t allow it. She nags him (with love, of course) until he reads the letter from his dead poppa. Changing his mind, he assures his uncle that there will still be a place for him in the company. A statement that would seem irritatingly condescending coming from a seventeen year-old (no matter how expertly coiffed).

Claiming he’s totally over being dethroned by a kid, Jack tells Blair he’d like her to help plan a surprise party (which Blair naturally changes to a brunch). The night before the shindig, Jack shows up with 3 Amazonian women, who were either sluts or simply whores, and the promise of a night of debauchery. Chuck considers Blair’s feelings for a millisecond before texting (texting!) to cancel their evening plans.

Jenny reminds me of my teenage counterpart, awwww-ing over Eric and Jonathon’s matching backpacks. I’ve always been a sucker for the gays, especially in identical accessories. But Little J is annoying the crap out of Eric by tagging along on all their dates. They fight over who is more obnoxious and briefly part ways.

Dan is avoiding Serena since being told to put the kibosh on the whole “we share a sibling” revelation. Instead, he chats on the phone about it near Penelope, who only gathers that Dan’s hiding something. So begins Mission: Prove Dan’s a Cheater. All the dirt they can find on LonelyBoy thus far is that he brown-bags a tuna sandwich for lunch, making Blair remark: “Tuna fish? Why does he make it so hard for himself?”

Vanessa is back and in a candy store with Humphrey (do they think we’ll like her more if she’s surrounded by colorful deliciousness?). He’s accosted by tween Gossip Girl readers, who call him a “Brooklyn Pig” and tell V she “failed upward” by moving from Dan to Nate. Sneaky Nelly Yuki steals Dan’s cell. Not since the Paris Hilton Sidekick hacking of ‘05 has there been such an explosive mobile telecommunications scandal. As usual, Vanessa makes things worse, texting Dan (i.e.  The Girls) an amazingly specific message about the Van der Humphrey spawn.

Emo Humphrey shows up at Chuck’s surprise party, awkwardly yapping about the awesomeness that is brunch. All the guests get the Gossip Girl text about Dan and Serena’s shared sibling and simultaneously stare, disgusted, in their direction. S is way mad for a couple minutes, telling E that the whole thing is a “little more hillbilly” than she can handle. But it turns out, sharing a sibling with her boyfriend is just the right amount of hillbilly for her, since they quickly make up and have celebratory Boggle and PB & J.

Rufus and Lily search for their mystery offspring but hit a wall. Lily’s ready to pack it up, afraid any new slice of info will somehow make Rufus hate her. They fight, she says she still loves him, they have some hotel sex. While participating in naked nostalgia, the phone rings. It’s the adopted dad, requesting a secret meeting. He tells them the kid died in a sailing accident and hands them a newspaper clipping that confirms the tale. I told my viewing partner it was a set-up and after the son-switcheroo was revealed I did a triumphant dance and solo rendition of “Nanny-nanny-boo-boo.” One good thing that came out of this? Rufus and Lily aren’t hiding their affections anymore, boldly holding hands in front of their respective progeny. So, Dan and Serena share a brother and their parents are dating? They should consider incorporating “Dueling Banjos” into the show’s soundtrack.

Back at the brunch, Jack arrives and tells some board members and Blair to go see Chuck, who’s upstairs in his office. Since the previous night was just an Uncle Bassian ploy to make his nephew look all chump-y, the guests are treated to Old School Chuck upon their arrival. Strewn across the desk are remnants of an eventful night (pills, tiny baggies…) and the new head of Bass Industries is rubbing his nose, flanked by 2 half-naked chicks, still in the clothes from the reading of the will. A “Morality Clause” allows board members to vote out Chuck for liking hookers and blow. Well played, Uncle Jack.

Chuck blames Blair for arranging the brunch in the first place, telling her to stop “trying to play the wife.” He later arrives at her doorstep, apologetic flowers in hand. But Blair ain’t havin’ it. His latest stint of douchebaggery sent her over the edge. She’s hurt and disappointed but rational enough to remember what she stands for. Throwing the flowers at his feet, but never raising her voice, she tells him she’s done.

Now it’s time for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Well, Chuck spent the whole episode in the same outfit due to his night o’ sinnin’. But here it is:

Colored Pocket Square: 1

Wool suit: 1

Trench coat: 1 (camel with black piping!)

Sadly, no fugly scarves or beloved ascots this week. *Sniff*

“What now, people? It’s not like I brought a tuna sandwich.” - Dan