The Dope Box TV Blog

You have to admire Blair’s dedication. What began as a simple punishment (Rachel being stood-up outside a closed restaurant) for a simple offense (Rachel giving Blair a B), now continues to escalate. If Miss Carr would have just relented there would be no need for such an epic duel. Blair is like quicksand; the more you struggle, the deeper you sink.

Serena is upset about Miss Carr and Dan meeting in a coffee shop but not for the reason you would think. She overhears Rachel talking about how smart and literary Humphrey is and gets to feeling inferior. In an extremely un-stealth move, S shoves her extra credit essay back in her purse and asks for more time. Serena’s hobbies now include: prancing around in weather-inappropriate clothing; obsessing over hopelessly emo boys; shamelessly seeking the approval of absolutely anyone.

After hearing Dan sputter a bumbling compliment about Rachel’s sweater choices (which is a sure sign of his adoration) Blair texts Gossip Girl saying they’re having a teacher/student elicit affair. This results in many a high-five for Dan, a pow-wow with Jenny (complete with reference to her raccoon-eye mascara of yore), and a mini-scolding from Serena.

Nelly Yuki tattles on Blair, who gets expelled. Upon getting assurance from his daughter that she did nothing wrong, Daddy Waldorf makes it his mission to prove her innocence. Serena talks to Rachel (who she suddenly starts calling “Miss Carr”) about letting B go back to Constance. When that fails, she takes the teacher’s daily planner and shows up at a scheduled mystery rendezvous. She is, of course, with Dan, who happens to be making moony eyes and sweeping the hair out of Rachel’s face at that precise moment. Rather than barging in and splitting the two up, S snaps a picture with her cell and gives it to Blair who uses it to get Rachel canned.

Serena casually prattles on about her involvement with the scandal to Dan. They could soldier on through their parents hooking up and sharing a sibling, but throw a little fictional scandal at them and they’re through. Their hundredth “Let’s be friends” break-up speech conveys as much grief as one would allot to the wilting of a head of cabbage. It would seem that even S and LonelyBoy are bored by their relationship.

Dan goes to Rachel’s apartment to comfort her after the public firing and she jumps him like a pogo-stick. Due to the glaring foreshadowing of this event, I had time to be apprehensive about it. But, I have to say, when the act happened I was totally rooting it on. They’re a better fit than he and Serena were (just mentioning them makes me yawn) and this pairing is sure to stir up plenty of juicy storylines. Plus, the song choice for the steamy scene was perfection.

An entire episode of Chuck was wasted by the bizarre retelling of Eyes Wide Shut (which I called from the first flashback). He has some blurry memories of a debauchery-filled secret society soiree. Chuck enlists Nate and Vanessa to help him retrace his steps. (Sidebar: Surprisingly, I was not nauseated by those two this episode. I actually found their little reenactment - dare I say it? - cute.) Chuck eventually finds the mystery girl from the party (it’s Nicki from The L Word!), who is part nanny, part whore. She shows up with a long illuminated candle and a warning about possible retribution from the White Collar Mafia. Later, Chuck goes through Bart’s vault for answers, openly (and cheesily) asking: “Father, what were you involved in?”

Now for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Velvet items: 1 (black blazer)

Ascots: 1 (Finally!!!)

Wool: 2 (trench, gray blazer w/black piping)

Pocket squares: 1 (black)

Turtlenecks: 1 (black)

An overwhelming amount of black, once again. How I miss the loud argyle socks/sweater vests paired with plaid bow-ties. Perhaps we’ll see a return to ludicrously mismatched patterns in blaring colors when winter is over. Worth a mention: serious over-unbuttoning…hello chest hair!

“Thank you, Jesus.” -Minion

“No. Thank you, Blair.” - Blair

First off, I find it funny that the title references Gone with the Wind because I’ve made the comparison between Blair/Chuck and Scarlett/Rhett before. And probably will again. Now let’s get to the episode…

As Chuck fixes his tie in the mirror, and makes a sad face, I’m reminded of his age. He briefly looks like the melancholy teen he is (even though Ed Westwick is actually 21) rather than the strangely ageless but un-teen-like Chuck we’re used to. As Uncle Jack pulls up outside, Blair walks over, saying Chuck asked her to be at the reading of the will for support. Jack takes their moment alone as an opportunity. After all, the will-reading of your dead older bro is the perfect time to ask out your orphan nephew’s underage love interest, right? It’s clear that whatever happened on New Year’s (which they have successfully dragged out further), it was definitely of a sexual nature.

All of you who were upset by the absence of Nate Archibald last week will be pleased to know that Captain Vanilla has reappeared. There to help Chuck through this difficult moment, Nate pops up out of nowhere. He and Blair are both stuck outside the official will-reading room, and she is not happy about it. In a refreshingly selfish moment, she says: “I wouldn’t have come to this party if I knew I wasn’t VIP.” Turns out Chuck gets 51% of Bass Industries and the position of Head Honcho. Jack. Is. Pissed.

Chuck is ready to give up his position as Most-Powerful-Bass but Blair won’t allow it. She nags him (with love, of course) until he reads the letter from his dead poppa. Changing his mind, he assures his uncle that there will still be a place for him in the company. A statement that would seem irritatingly condescending coming from a seventeen year-old (no matter how expertly coiffed).

Claiming he’s totally over being dethroned by a kid, Jack tells Blair he’d like her to help plan a surprise party (which Blair naturally changes to a brunch). The night before the shindig, Jack shows up with 3 Amazonian women, who were either sluts or simply whores, and the promise of a night of debauchery. Chuck considers Blair’s feelings for a millisecond before texting (texting!) to cancel their evening plans.

Jenny reminds me of my teenage counterpart, awwww-ing over Eric and Jonathon’s matching backpacks. I’ve always been a sucker for the gays, especially in identical accessories. But Little J is annoying the crap out of Eric by tagging along on all their dates. They fight over who is more obnoxious and briefly part ways.

Dan is avoiding Serena since being told to put the kibosh on the whole “we share a sibling” revelation. Instead, he chats on the phone about it near Penelope, who only gathers that Dan’s hiding something. So begins Mission: Prove Dan’s a Cheater. All the dirt they can find on LonelyBoy thus far is that he brown-bags a tuna sandwich for lunch, making Blair remark: “Tuna fish? Why does he make it so hard for himself?”

Vanessa is back and in a candy store with Humphrey (do they think we’ll like her more if she’s surrounded by colorful deliciousness?). He’s accosted by tween Gossip Girl readers, who call him a “Brooklyn Pig” and tell V she “failed upward” by moving from Dan to Nate. Sneaky Nelly Yuki steals Dan’s cell. Not since the Paris Hilton Sidekick hacking of ‘05 has there been such an explosive mobile telecommunications scandal. As usual, Vanessa makes things worse, texting Dan (i.e.  The Girls) an amazingly specific message about the Van der Humphrey spawn.

Emo Humphrey shows up at Chuck’s surprise party, awkwardly yapping about the awesomeness that is brunch. All the guests get the Gossip Girl text about Dan and Serena’s shared sibling and simultaneously stare, disgusted, in their direction. S is way mad for a couple minutes, telling E that the whole thing is a “little more hillbilly” than she can handle. But it turns out, sharing a sibling with her boyfriend is just the right amount of hillbilly for her, since they quickly make up and have celebratory Boggle and PB & J.

Rufus and Lily search for their mystery offspring but hit a wall. Lily’s ready to pack it up, afraid any new slice of info will somehow make Rufus hate her. They fight, she says she still loves him, they have some hotel sex. While participating in naked nostalgia, the phone rings. It’s the adopted dad, requesting a secret meeting. He tells them the kid died in a sailing accident and hands them a newspaper clipping that confirms the tale. I told my viewing partner it was a set-up and after the son-switcheroo was revealed I did a triumphant dance and solo rendition of “Nanny-nanny-boo-boo.” One good thing that came out of this? Rufus and Lily aren’t hiding their affections anymore, boldly holding hands in front of their respective progeny. So, Dan and Serena share a brother and their parents are dating? They should consider incorporating “Dueling Banjos” into the show’s soundtrack.

Back at the brunch, Jack arrives and tells some board members and Blair to go see Chuck, who’s upstairs in his office. Since the previous night was just an Uncle Bassian ploy to make his nephew look all chump-y, the guests are treated to Old School Chuck upon their arrival. Strewn across the desk are remnants of an eventful night (pills, tiny baggies…) and the new head of Bass Industries is rubbing his nose, flanked by 2 half-naked chicks, still in the clothes from the reading of the will. A “Morality Clause” allows board members to vote out Chuck for liking hookers and blow. Well played, Uncle Jack.

Chuck blames Blair for arranging the brunch in the first place, telling her to stop “trying to play the wife.” He later arrives at her doorstep, apologetic flowers in hand. But Blair ain’t havin’ it. His latest stint of douchebaggery sent her over the edge. She’s hurt and disappointed but rational enough to remember what she stands for. Throwing the flowers at his feet, but never raising her voice, she tells him she’s done.

Now it’s time for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Well, Chuck spent the whole episode in the same outfit due to his night o’ sinnin’. But here it is:

Colored Pocket Square: 1

Wool suit: 1

Trench coat: 1 (camel with black piping!)

Sadly, no fugly scarves or beloved ascots this week. *Sniff*

“What now, people? It’s not like I brought a tuna sandwich.” - Dan