Gossip Girl: Gone with the Will – Prostitutes and Text Messages Ruin Everything
First off, I find it funny that the title references Gone with the Wind because I’ve made the comparison between Blair/Chuck and Scarlett/Rhett before. And probably will again. Now let’s get to the episode…
As Chuck fixes his tie in the mirror, and makes a sad face, I’m reminded of his age. He briefly looks like the melancholy teen he is (even though Ed Westwick is actually 21) rather than the strangely ageless but un-teen-like Chuck we’re used to. As Uncle Jack pulls up outside, Blair walks over, saying Chuck asked her to be at the reading of the will for support. Jack takes their moment alone as an opportunity. After all, the will-reading of your dead older bro is the perfect time to ask out your orphan nephew’s underage love interest, right? It’s clear that whatever happened on New Year’s (which they have successfully dragged out further), it was definitely of a sexual nature.
All of you who were upset by the absence of Nate Archibald last week will be pleased to know that Captain Vanilla has reappeared. There to help Chuck through this difficult moment, Nate pops up out of nowhere. He and Blair are both stuck outside the official will-reading room, and she is not happy about it. In a refreshingly selfish moment, she says: “I wouldn’t have come to this party if I knew I wasn’t VIP.” Turns out Chuck gets 51% of Bass Industries and the position of Head Honcho. Jack. Is. Pissed.
Chuck is ready to give up his position as Most-Powerful-Bass but Blair won’t allow it. She nags him (with love, of course) until he reads the letter from his dead poppa. Changing his mind, he assures his uncle that there will still be a place for him in the company. A statement that would seem irritatingly condescending coming from a seventeen year-old (no matter how expertly coiffed).
Claiming he’s totally over being dethroned by a kid, Jack tells Blair he’d like her to help plan a surprise party (which Blair naturally changes to a brunch). The night before the shindig, Jack shows up with 3 Amazonian women, who were either sluts or simply whores, and the promise of a night of debauchery. Chuck considers Blair’s feelings for a millisecond before texting (texting!) to cancel their evening plans.
Jenny reminds me of my teenage counterpart, awwww-ing over Eric and Jonathon’s matching backpacks. I’ve always been a sucker for the gays, especially in identical accessories. But Little J is annoying the crap out of Eric by tagging along on all their dates. They fight over who is more obnoxious and briefly part ways.
Dan is avoiding Serena since being told to put the kibosh on the whole “we share a sibling” revelation. Instead, he chats on the phone about it near Penelope, who only gathers that Dan’s hiding something. So begins Mission: Prove Dan’s a Cheater. All the dirt they can find on LonelyBoy thus far is that he brown-bags a tuna sandwich for lunch, making Blair remark: “Tuna fish? Why does he make it so hard for himself?”
Vanessa is back and in a candy store with Humphrey (do they think we’ll like her more if she’s surrounded by colorful deliciousness?). He’s accosted by tween Gossip Girl readers, who call him a “Brooklyn Pig” and tell V she “failed upward” by moving from Dan to Nate. Sneaky Nelly Yuki steals Dan’s cell. Not since the Paris Hilton Sidekick hacking of ‘05 has there been such an explosive mobile telecommunications scandal. As usual, Vanessa makes things worse, texting Dan (i.e. The Girls) an amazingly specific message about the Van der Humphrey spawn.
Emo Humphrey shows up at Chuck’s surprise party, awkwardly yapping about the awesomeness that is brunch. All the guests get the Gossip Girl text about Dan and Serena’s shared sibling and simultaneously stare, disgusted, in their direction. S is way mad for a couple minutes, telling E that the whole thing is a “little more hillbilly” than she can handle. But it turns out, sharing a sibling with her boyfriend is just the right amount of hillbilly for her, since they quickly make up and have celebratory Boggle and PB & J.
Rufus and Lily search for their mystery offspring but hit a wall. Lily’s ready to pack it up, afraid any new slice of info will somehow make Rufus hate her. They fight, she says she still loves him, they have some hotel sex. While participating in naked nostalgia, the phone rings. It’s the adopted dad, requesting a secret meeting. He tells them the kid died in a sailing accident and hands them a newspaper clipping that confirms the tale. I told my viewing partner it was a set-up and after the son-switcheroo was revealed I did a triumphant dance and solo rendition of “Nanny-nanny-boo-boo.” One good thing that came out of this? Rufus and Lily aren’t hiding their affections anymore, boldly holding hands in front of their respective progeny. So, Dan and Serena share a brother and their parents are dating? They should consider incorporating “Dueling Banjos” into the show’s soundtrack.
Back at the brunch, Jack arrives and tells some board members and Blair to go see Chuck, who’s upstairs in his office. Since the previous night was just an Uncle Bassian ploy to make his nephew look all chump-y, the guests are treated to Old School Chuck upon their arrival. Strewn across the desk are remnants of an eventful night (pills, tiny baggies…) and the new head of Bass Industries is rubbing his nose, flanked by 2 half-naked chicks, still in the clothes from the reading of the will. A “Morality Clause” allows board members to vote out Chuck for liking hookers and blow. Well played, Uncle Jack.
Chuck blames Blair for arranging the brunch in the first place, telling her to stop “trying to play the wife.” He later arrives at her doorstep, apologetic flowers in hand. But Blair ain’t havin’ it. His latest stint of douchebaggery sent her over the edge. She’s hurt and disappointed but rational enough to remember what she stands for. Throwing the flowers at his feet, but never raising her voice, she tells him she’s done.
Now it’s time for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.
Well, Chuck spent the whole episode in the same outfit due to his night o’ sinnin’. But here it is:
Colored Pocket Square: 1
Wool suit: 1
Trench coat: 1 (camel with black piping!)
Sadly, no fugly scarves or beloved ascots this week. *Sniff*
“What now, people? It’s not like I brought a tuna sandwich.” - Dan
