The Dope Box TV Blog

Liz Lemon’s biological clock is not just ticking; it’s sounding a thunderous alarm. An alarm so hypnotizing, it makes her hoard the abandoned shoes of infants and carry them around in a tote.  As if that isn’t creepy enough, she also pets the heads of unknown children, one of whom turns out to be a little person named Stuart (Peter Dinklage). She plays it off as flirtation and, luckily for her, he likes his women “aggressive with a nerdy vibe.”

The perfect outfit for an intervention about your spending habits: A shirt made entirely out of money and solid gold shoes. When Tracy says he spends so his wife can’t leave him and take everything, Jack hooks him up with a post-nup. But Tracy tears it up when Angie says she won’t leave him or, rather, that she’s going to “watch him die.” A celebratory nookie-fest ensues in Jack’s office and again in the hallway (where a traumatized Kenneth turns away in horror).

Jack finds a lump on his ball whilst using a public urinal. The shock causes him to ingest a peppermint with the wrapper still intact. I’m so neurotic, all I could think was: Did he wash his hands before taking that mint?  His mother’s nurse Elisa (Salma Hayek) examines his testicle and he soon falls in love with her. The two events are not necessarily correlated. He goes to a picnic where he’s greeted by Salma’s ample bosom and handed a baby.

Liz is determined not to ruin things with Stuart. She decides never to mention Wii or to order tall coffee around him. It’s all over when she puts her arm in front of him to protect him from fire and calls herself “weirder” than he is. Hoping for a second chance, she asks Stu to meet her on the Brooklyn Bridge if he wants a fresh start (like Miranda/Steve do in the Sex and the City movie). While she waits, she fluffs the hair of some little boy. Stuart witnesses the random act of mussing and realizes that’s what Liz was doing when they met. As a fan of Dinklage, I was hoping she’d take a little longer screwing it up.

In the meantime, Jenna is pushing hard to score the part of Janis Joplin in a movie with Jack Donaghy at the helm. She auditions in character and full-on costume but she’s a little fuzzy on historical details of the late 60’s (”What is that iron bird?”). They don’t actually have the rights to Joplin’s name or music, however. So, on TGS, Jenna is introduced as Janet Jopler and sings something that sounds like “Take another little chunk of my lung now, mister.”

Favorite Kenneth moment of the week: His version of “Top That” from Teen Witch, complete with old school hand gestures and an explanation for being the substitute warm-up act.

“I find that authoritative, rapid Spanish subdues white people.” -Elisa

Liz Lemon is on a mission. She’s advocating for the Letters to Santa program, giving gifts to poor kids who send their lists to the jolliest man of all. Like most worthwhile things we do as adults, this mission is driven by parental rejection and the compulsive need for praise. Oh, and to do good, or whatever. Instead of buying a set of hot wheels and a basketball, Liz gets a cartload of high-priced electronics. And an animatronic black Santa (every household should have at least one). Tracy and DotCom tell her they’ll go with her to drop the presents off since it’s a bad part of town. Two grouchy men open the door and take the gift wagon of overcompensation, without so much as a word of extolment or an impromptu Thank-You-White-Lady photo shoot. Tracy says, “What’s the past tense for scam? Is it scrumped? Liz Lemon I think you just got scrumped.”

Now Liz is on another mission: Shut down the Letters to Santa operation. She first tries to get a postal worker to assist her, which is like trying to get gum out of your hair. When she mentions the incident to perpetually positive Kenneth, he simply can’t believe anyone would sully the name of Christmas for a con. They venture back to the scene of the crime and this time two little boys answer the door. Eternally unable to just let it go, Liz tells them she’s responsible for the gifts under their tree, thereby quashing their belief in St. Nick. And a dream-crushing Christmas to all!

Colleen (rolling up in her wheelchair, dressed like an aviator/stable boy from the 20’s) does a little detective work to figure out Jack waited 8 minutes after running into her before he called 911. How did she know this exactly? Well, the watch he gave her (which she was quick to point out was not a Cartier) stopped when she got hit, at 8:08AM. His phone records reveal the call was placed at 8:16AM. And, using a flashcard that said “16-8=8” she tells him: “Numbers, unlike children, don’t lie.”

When the part of Mrs. Claus is cut from the show, Jack is upset, noting that she was a Christmas staple during his childhood. Liz informs him that nobody else’s mother dresses up as the wife of Father Christmas, hanging stockings, preparing food for Santa, and singing carols around the piano. Also not normal mom behavior? Nookie with Mr. (FAO) Schwartz in exchange for a sweet haul of toys.

The episode ends with Jack appreciating his mother for who she is. A judgmental, critical harpy who loved him enough to annually whore herself out. He tells her he loves her and he doesn’t want her to die. They make amends and end with a little Christmas duet at the piano…without Mr. Schwartz.   

“When has religion ever caused any trouble?” -Kenneth