30 Rock: A hip-breaking, confession-filled Christmas Special
Liz Lemon is on a mission. She’s advocating for the Letters to Santa program, giving gifts to poor kids who send their lists to the jolliest man of all. Like most worthwhile things we do as adults, this mission is driven by parental rejection and the compulsive need for praise. Oh, and to do good, or whatever. Instead of buying a set of hot wheels and a basketball, Liz gets a cartload of high-priced electronics. And an animatronic black Santa (every household should have at least one). Tracy and DotCom tell her they’ll go with her to drop the presents off since it’s a bad part of town. Two grouchy men open the door and take the gift wagon of overcompensation, without so much as a word of extolment or an impromptu Thank-You-White-Lady photo shoot. Tracy says, “What’s the past tense for scam? Is it scrumped? Liz Lemon I think you just got scrumped.”
Now Liz is on another mission: Shut down the Letters to Santa operation. She first tries to get a postal worker to assist her, which is like trying to get gum out of your hair. When she mentions the incident to perpetually positive Kenneth, he simply can’t believe anyone would sully the name of Christmas for a con. They venture back to the scene of the crime and this time two little boys answer the door. Eternally unable to just let it go, Liz tells them she’s responsible for the gifts under their tree, thereby quashing their belief in St. Nick. And a dream-crushing Christmas to all!
Colleen (rolling up in her wheelchair, dressed like an aviator/stable boy from the 20’s) does a little detective work to figure out Jack waited 8 minutes after running into her before he called 911. How did she know this exactly? Well, the watch he gave her (which she was quick to point out was not a Cartier) stopped when she got hit, at 8:08AM. His phone records reveal the call was placed at 8:16AM. And, using a flashcard that said “16-8=8” she tells him: “Numbers, unlike children, don’t lie.”
When the part of Mrs. Claus is cut from the show, Jack is upset, noting that she was a Christmas staple during his childhood. Liz informs him that nobody else’s mother dresses up as the wife of Father Christmas, hanging stockings, preparing food for Santa, and singing carols around the piano. Also not normal mom behavior? Nookie with Mr. (FAO) Schwartz in exchange for a sweet haul of toys.
The episode ends with Jack appreciating his mother for who she is. A judgmental, critical harpy who loved him enough to annually whore herself out. He tells her he loves her and he doesn’t want her to die. They make amends and end with a little Christmas duet at the piano…without Mr. Schwartz.
“When has religion ever caused any trouble?” -Kenneth
