The Dope Box TV Blog

The Hills, MTV Series, Mondays

Obviously this episode’s purpose was to setup Whitney’s future spinoff. Kelly Cutrone, the matron of darkness, sends Whit and LC off to NY for fashion week where they help out by dressing and interrogating male models (seriously, what was with the 20 questions?). Model #1 wouldn’t divulge his age, and I was certain his delicate sensibilities had been disturbed. Until he asked the girls out.

They meet up with Model #1 and Alex at Il Bastardo (perfect) where Whitney begins her juggling act. She eyes hairy musician Jay who she fauns over, and subsequently ignores Alex. LC encourages her to “be forward” (all praise promiscuity!) with the “serenader”.  Alex is clearly sweet on Whitney and stayed, waiting for attention, for an emasculating, embarrassingly long time. He and his trucker hat were ditched for the newest Aussie love interest on the show.

Back in LA: Heidi, looking pensive and synthetic, is upset over losing her “job” and seeks comfort from…Spencer? He seems giddy and can’t understand why being fired would be an issue. This is because a). Being Heidi’s boyfriend/wet-blanket is the only gig he’s ever had, and b). They’re making $65K each, per episode for filming this malarkey. But they can’t mention that on camera. It’s sort of like Fight Club; the first rule about The Hills is you don’t talk about The Hills.

Spencer convinces Heidi that being fired is a reason to party. While they’re out they just happen to run into Brent Bolthouse, which is totally not a setup by producers or anything. Mr. Pratt actually surprised me by being genuinely apologetic and trying to get Heidi her job back (despite secretly wanting her to be unemployed so he can get in some serious smothering). Spencer is told he’s “bad news”. Heidi tries to resolve the conflict with her standard doe-eyed-crinkly-brow “I’m, like, upset” expression.

“Dude, your boyfriend’s a nightmare; what’s wrong with you?”

 –Brent Bolthouse, to…guess who

The Hills, MTV series, Mondays

This week we meet Audrina’s tattooed sis, who has a much firmer grasp on sentence-forming, and Lauren gets told that she’s about to have one less roommate. Lo takes a stab at pretending to care.

Audrina asks JB if he wants to move in and his response is so Buddhist: “You know what, let it just happen and see what happens.” LC and Audrina have a nostalgic chat while they pack her abundant supply of candles and toothpaste. Apparently, Justin Bobby was supposed to help but he was working. Wait, what? Are the producers going to give him a pretend job too? Possibilities: jean vest distresser, professional leaner, Department of Transportation Roadkill Recovery trucker, mechanical engineer.

Heidi is determined to invite people to yet another important work event. She seems to be operating under the assumption that she’s always an honored guest and all her guests are honored guests. Spencer shows up, freshly shaven and disturbingly shiny. Always one to bestow sage advice, Spencer tells Justin Bobby to move in with Audrina. How is it that he talks without moving his upper lip? Heidi, clearly using her last handful of brain cells to stand upright, says: “I’m so wasted. Can I have another tequila?” Cue angry boss.

After being fired from her “job”, Heidi does her best to look upset. I wonder how many takes it took to perfect that I’m-totally-sad-cuz-my-fake-boss-is-mad-at-me expression?

Audrina: “Whenever you’re with someone more you almost become…”

Audrina’s sis: “Closer?”

Audrina: “Yeah.”