The Dope Box TV Blog

People have a tendency to congratulate those who have recently wed. That is, unless the matrimonial couple happen to be the Pratts. When Heidi tells Kimberley and Brent she got hitched to Spencer in Mexico, Mr. Bolthouse simply says, “Shut up.” Both of them look somewhere between irritated and horrified on the reaction-o-meter. No congratulatory hug or handshake or even a nod.

Back at the apartment, Spencer sits across from Heidi’s mom, Darlene. Montag Mommy is upset about the Mexican wedding and reads Heidi the riot act for not including her family in the ceremony. Spencer sits with his head down, as if waiting in the Principal’s office to be scolded for dropping Cherry Bombs down the toilet.

At a Bolthouse black-tie event, Heidi and Lauren’s paths cross. Stephanie tells her semi-sister-in-law it’s “one-hundred-percent” cool to go talk to her estranged bestie. And who wouldn’t trust Stephanie Pratt’s judgment? In a reunion more highly anticipated than Frazier/Ali, LC and Heidi actually speak to each other. Lauren asks if Heidi is happy while giving her a look that says, “How could you possibly?” Heidi cries, calls LC “Madame” a couple times; they hug. I wouldn’t bet on reconciliation, though. Lauren was downing champagne like Kool-Aid at a barbecue, and only gave a shrug when Heidi mentioned missing her.

Back in Prattland, Spencer cordially shows Darlene wedding pics until she, quite suddenly, becomes enraged. She tells him she knows he “manipulated and plotted” the wedding, taking away Heidi’s dream of a princess-like wedding day. She says she won’t let them make it legal. To his credit, Spencer really seemed to be attempting civility up until that point. Then out came the Prattster’s menacing voice, telling Darlene they would go to City Hall and make the marriage official so “then you’ll be my mom.”

At the courthouse, Speidi are dressed for a country club picnic while Stephanie (their witness) looks like she’s been brought in for solicitation. Heidi, sad and slightly orange, goes to the ladies room to freshen up. Steph decides to tell her brother how wrong the whole thing feels to her. And she had to wait until that moment to say something? Heidi returns and gets through her vows before Spencer puts on the brakes. He tells her he feels like they’re doing something “sneaky” and “shady” and that the absence of her family is causing a “rain cloud” to form over their heads. There was something rather unbelievable about the whole ordeal. Almost as if it had been pre-arranged or scripted or something.

Riding on a chopper with ape-hanger handlebars, wearing clingy dark-denim overalls, Justin Bobby looked like a young lad who’d just stolen his daddy’s big boy bike. JB took Audrina away to the Viceroy in Palms Springs (with suites going for about $200-$600/night). The first thing I thought when I saw JB in amongst the luxe white bedding was: That dirty boy is going to ruin those sheets.

The dysfunctional pair chose the vacation to escape the people who are trying to split them up. Sound familiar? Well, at least they didn’t have a fake quickie wedding. To hear Justin Bobby tell it, Audrina’s friends are not only meddlesome, they’re auricle-fetishists: “I love the fact that I don’t hear, no offense, but your little girlfriends in your ear. Nibbling.” Good ol’ JB was full of philosophical mutterings, which he expulsed while calling his girl “dude.” After asking if she wanted to split an entrée of filet mignon and asparagus, he calls her a “rare breed” and talks about how he’s “super blessed” to know her. Then he sticks his pinky in his mouth and pulls off a ring with his teeth. If this had been another guy, one might have thought it was a proposal of some kind. But we all know Justin Bobby far too well to assume it was anything more than a flimsy spit-ring.

“Lime green is, like, the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” –Lo

Whitney finally gets the call about the Diane von Furstenberg gig, and cameras just happen to be there to record the moment. She’s moving to New York and reminds us for the hundredth time that she’s going for the job, not the boy. If you have to repeat something relentlessly, it’s probably you who needs convincing.

During the goodbye party for Whit, we catch a glimpse of her parents, teary-eyed and proud. Her dad says, “You’ll come back every weekend and see us?” And, making an attempt at coolness that goes awry, he punctuates his sweet and hopeful sentiment with: “Yo, yo.”

Because a goodbye party and a goodbye convo at work were not enough, Whit and Lauren have a goodbye salad. They reminisce about Teen Vogue, chat about how much they love each other, and Lauren lets the tears flow again. So it’s out of LA and on to NYC for Whitney. Are you planning to follow her to The City?

Spencer decides to whisk Heidi off to Cabo to get away from all those people who, according to Mr. Pratt, are trying to tear them apart. For some reason, Mexico makes Heidi’s hair side-swept and blonder. In a tiny pink swimsuit, she climbs into Spencer’s lap as he leers at her creepily. I don’t remember seeing them be so openly affectionate before. I actually can’t think of anything they’ve done previously that didn’t involve fighting or eating.

Stephanie visits Audrina to find out if she knows where Heidi and her slimey sibling are. She’s, like, worried because Heidi was supposed to hang out with her and she didn’t show up. Why is it when Steph is worried she drops by all her friends’ houses looking pleased? Justin Bobby happens to be there, wearing tight overalls and doing a crossword puzzle?!? I wonder if it was a themed crossword. Like, farm animals or types of sushi. He takes a break from his mental exercises to impart some sage advice regarding the missing couple: “You should put up some signs.”

Later that night, Speidi sat outside, faces pink and shiny from all the booze. Maybe it’s the season, but I kept thinking Spencer looked like a young Santa Claus, with rosy cheeks and a strangely platinum beard. That is, if Santa was a manipulative, sinister fellow with Dudley Do-Right teeth, who spoke without moving his upper lip. Heidi talks about how Patrón makes her crazy. Spencer suggests getting married and when she refuses (by telling him he’s “loco en la cabeza”) he proceeds to order more tequila.

He tells her it would be a secret wedding. You know, the kind you talk about in front of MTV cameras. He then gives her an alarming, stalker-y speech to try to convince her to be his bride. It should be copied verbatim and distributed in pamphlet form to warn others what dangerous boyfriends say: “Heidi Montag, when I’m with you you make me want to be nicer. And that’s why I’m just obsessed with you… And I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” Sensible women would have found his speech to be a reason not to wed but it got Heidi hot and ready to don her white gown. And all our stomachs made a collective churn.

Here’s where it gets shady: MTV didn’t tape the actual “wedding.” Speidi acted like they were going off to get married that second, all excited and full of Patrón. It was nighttime. We see them the following morning, hung-over, sickeningly referring to each other as “Mr. and Mrs. Pratt.” They play their little handheld cam of the “wedding” which clearly took place in the daytime! Huh? Did we miss a day somewhere? What’s with all the theatrics? Did they get married some other time and then create this whole MTV charade to make it seem like the wedding was drunk and spontaneous? Maybe they thought her mom would be less upset that way? Why the hell was MTV not around for the actual nuptials? I guess the more important question is: Why do we care?

One final note: If your fiancé’s surname was Pratt wouldn’t you just keep your own?