The Dope Box TV Blog

Convincing a staunch lesbian that she’s in love with a misogynistic, egomaniacal, testosterone-driven manwhore is no easy feat. But the supernatural power of Christian’s penis has cast a spell of heterosexuality over Liz. They’re giving romance a try, and it isn’t going well. For starters, his instructional guidance on fellatio was about as sexy as a quilting bee. When she gets up, having failed at oral, he throws her a robe. She knows it’s because he doesn’t want to see her naked, although he claims he’s just preventing her from getting chilly. In the bathroom, she cries and pulls her face back as if contemplating a surgical lift. Their relationship is definitely not good for her self-esteem.

Clearly satisfied with his pectoral reconstruction, Christian quickly brings home plenty of tail. Realistically, wouldn’t he have still looked swollen and bruised from the surgery? I know, I know. Realism has little place in the Nip/Tuck universe. While he enjoys a rotating door of easy women, Liz spends all day getting beautified for a date with him. She walks in on him partaking in some bathtub lovin’ (which just looks uncomfortable) and he doesn’t even take a momentary thrusting pause.

All Christian’s vigorous humping knocks his implant loose. He and his wandering boob rush over to Liz for a consolatory hug. And in a case of perfect karmic reprisal, she happens to be entertaining a lady friend. Christian seems mildly jealous and says, “Are you cheating on me?” She says yes, dismisses his peck displacement as no big deal, and shoves his ass out the door.

Days later, following yet another walk-in on Christian doing some random chick, Liz resigns. The quirky friendship between them and their playfully sarcastic banter is a huge asset to the show, so hopefully this rift is only temporary.

The patient plotline was clearly a spoof of the Mary Kay Letourneau debacle. Blatantly naming the teacher Carrie May was an amusing touch. Ricky, her teen lover/husband, has hair plugs implanted on his upper lip, widow’s peak, and sideburns. The final effect does indeed make him look older…and also like a 70’s porn star. She looks horrified by his transformation and, naturally, hops into bed with his little bro.

Mattie’s quest to become a doctor is quickly losing steam. He’s clueless about organic chemistry and sucks at basic anatomy. While under the tutelage of Sean, he does surgery on a dead pig and removes the wrong organ. For some reason, the ubiquitous fake blood doesn’t gross me out but the stringy slime dangling from the pig organs made my stomach lurch.

Raj’s father stops by McNamara/Troy for a little abusive parenting. First, he pressures his son to perform a penis enlargement on him (uber-creepy). Then, upon hearing about Christian’s suture mishap, he decides to take his penis elsewhere, smacking and belittling Raj on the way out. Sean and Mattie introduce Raj to the world of chicken wings (”My mouth is burning but I can’t stop eating these amazing poultry samples!”), underage drinking, and pot-smoking. After getting supremely baked, Raj confesses to fantasizing about cutting his own hands off so he wouldn’t have to be a doctor anymore. And how, like every other teenage boy, he’d like to be a Playboy photographer. He and Matt bond over paternal neglect and swap stories about sexual escapades with trannies. Then Mattie honors Raj’s request for a brutal hand-crushing. The event causes Mattie to conclude that doctorin’ is way hard and he’d prefer simply playing one on TV.

“Sorry, pal. Women are women…even if they used to be lesbians.” -Sean

Colleen Rose (the exquisitely creepy Sharon Gless) sneaks up to the McNamara/Troy office by using a gauze mask disguise, like a post-op face-lifter. Always a lady, Colleen reapplies her lipstick using the reflective surface of a knife as a mirror, before going stab-happy on Sean. Appropriately, a song called “Backstabbers” plays in the background. As if hearing it the first time wasn’t enough, the sound effects team treats us all to another round of blood-gurgling.

Colleen comes back, dragging Sean down the hall to “take care” of him. You’d think, as the attempted murderer, that when she says “take care” she means “finish him off.” But the crazy, bear-stuffing, agent-killing stalker really envisioned growing old with the guy she just repeatedly gouged. She says, “I have such plans for us, cookie.” Then Sean gives her a payback stab right before Christian breaks the door down.

Four months later, Sean rolls in on his wheelchair for a “What don’t you like about yourself?” consultation. The patient is Liz, who wants a breast reduction and insists that the scalpel-wielding duo are both present at her surgery. Sean is apparently still emotionally scarred by the incident and refuses. He opts for teaching instead.

Giving a speech where he explains how plastic surgery is an alternative to time travel, Sean looks very pleased with himself. This gig allows him to be doubly god-like (mentor and doctor). Among his students are a smiley blonde (clearly hot for teacher) and a 17 year-old Indian prodigy named Raj.

Christian gives Liz a “tata” exam and finds a lump. Waiting to get the results back from the mammogram, Christian can’t help but sit at the doctor’s desk. No cancer for Liz but Christian mentions a lump and ends up getting a mammogram himself. Again, the two wait for the results. Dr. Troy is sure it won’t be malignant. He has a theory that only pussies get male breast cancer, not men with testosterone-to-spare like him. A theory quashed by Liz’s assertion that Shaft was afflicted. “Shaft had tit cancer?” Predictably, it’s malignant.

Back at work, Christian sews up saggy-earlobe guy. He throws out Raj, who is observing for the day, for backseat suturing. Breast cancer certainly makes him crabby.

Mattie has decided, amid recent events with Sean, he wants to be a doctor. Sean’s eyes get a little misty with pride upon hearing the news, while Christian ridicules this sudden attempt at self-improvement. Geez, a guy sleeps with his half-sister a few times and he never lives it down.

In an attempt to cheer up Dr. Gloomy, Sean takes his buddy out to a bar. When darts and scotch don’t do the trick, they pick up a couple of women (only Christian could use “I just found out I have breast cancer” as a pick-up line). Sean has some freaky wheelchair sex while Christian gets a little oral in the next room. Tip for the fellas: Don’t give a mid-coital breast exam to your partner. It totally ruins the mood.

As Christian readies for surgery, he asks Liz if she’ll adopt Wilbur should he die. She accepts. He seemed to be partly fishing for reassurence that he shouldn’t worry but he got no such thing from her. Sidenote: Lipo. Could there be a more perfect name for Christian’s dog?

In an obvious dream sequence, Sean shows up to Colleen’s funeral to “make sure she’s dead.” Rolling up to the coffin, he peeks in to find himself lying there. Colleen appears behind him, holding a bible, and yaps about how bitchin’ dying young is. He wakes up and walks to the bathroom. Both McNamara and Troy inspect their scars in their respective mirrors. Christian weeps at the sight of his misshapen breast. So, is Sean faking to avoid the operating room? Or does he just like all the extra attention he’s getting as roller doc?

This storyline is such a downer. An entire season without Christian Troy’s delightful arrogance, sarcasm, and womanizing would be too much to bear. Especially with the prospect of Julia concurrently battling mercury poison. Cure his ass! Quick!

“We age. Our cells deteriorate, deform; mutate into tiny misshapen freaks.” - Professor Dr. McNamara