The Dope Box TV Blog

A mom and her son drive back home to pick up a forgotten hockey stick. The kid is upset about being super lame at the icy sport. He’s comforted by his mother’s observation that at least 3 other kids suck worse than him (solid parenting). When they pull up to their garage they see daddykins has decided to off himself via the stinkiest way possible: vehicular carbon monoxide poisoning. A little dramatic considering he has a medicine cabinet full of pain meds at his disposal, no? And, even more puzzling, why would he snatch five shirts off their hangers before carbon monoxidizing (totally not a word) himself?

Suicidal guy, Jeff, is in chronic pain and seriously wants to die. After being admitted to Princeton Plainsboro, he blows into his IV which, apparently, is not a great idea. He’s not only suicidal, he’s crabby, bitching at wife and son to give him privacy so he can squeeze his tennis ball. And, no that’s not a euphemism. Once quail poisoning is ruled out (could there be a whiter affliction?), House decides he needs to separate the guy’s nervous system from the rest of his body to figure out whether the cause is in his brain. During the procedure, Jeff tells House he’s lucky he doesn’t have a family. Because when House is in pain he doesn’t have to put up a front; he can be as unapologetically douche-y as he deems necessary.

Junior lies on the floor, screaming bloody murder, and everyone comes to his aid. Except House, who in addition to being an extraordinary diagnostician, can sense when others are over-acting. He snatches an empty bottle of isopropyl alcohol from Seriously-Let-Me-Frickin-Die guy’s hand. Next, on to a treatment that causes more harm than good: taking Jeff off the pain meds altogether. A strange solution coming from someone who pops Vicodin like they’re tic-tacs. Jeff wallows in agony for a while before his wife tells House to dope him back up and get him in decent enough shape for the ride home, where he can off himself for real.

Offsetting the heavy subject matter is a parallel plotline involving House’s bathroom plumbing. Fortunately, for many of you, this means we see House in a steamy bathtub massaging his leg. And that’s just for starters. Later, he uses his cane to poke at a soppy ceiling that inevitably collapses, pouring water straight down atop him. It’s House Gone Wild: Wet T-Shirt Edition. The plumber tells him the pipe was pulled, citing negligence, and insurance won’t cover it. So House does what any sensible home owner would do. He “accidentally” sets his kitchen on fire below bathroom pipes. And when that doesn’t work (since the burned pipes were actually his neighbor’s), he bribes the plumber to make a false claim so the insurance company can’t weasel out of paying. Plumber scratches his boys, giving House a Testicular Epiphany. The root of Jeff’s pain is epilepsy, which started in the part of the brain that controls the muscles supporting his testes. His gonads. His taters. His acorns. His…well, you get the idea. House also discovers that, after all his shenanigans, he actually is responsible for the pulled pipe, since he grabs it for balance when getting in the tub.

Thirteen has a problem with commitment. She doesn’t want to disrupt anyone else’s life by getting romantic so she’s avoiding Foreman. It’s thoughtful, actually. Not unlike a puppy, Foreman doesn’t understand the word no. He switches the schedules around so Thirteen can see the progress Janice (the advanced Huntington’s patient) is making. Yawn, yawn, yawn…Thirteen asks Foreman out on a date. He then finds out she’s on a placebo in the trial, which means she might as well be using leeches to cure what ails her. And so continues the Saga of Foreteen, a union as exciting as 3 Valium and a glass of chardonnay.

There is really no development on the Huddy front. Cuddy is frazzled by her duties as hospital administrator and new foster mommy. Differential diagnosis is held in Rachel’s nursery, where House boxes a stuffed giraffe, Cuddy notes House’s musk, and “clean, squeaky rubber nipples” get a mention before the two lock eyes. She looks fed up; he looks playful…apropos of their usual shtick. Despite the messiness of her home and hasty shoving of a dirty diaper into her purse, she is easily approved by the foster care fellow. Wilson drops by, with a giant duck, for an all-too-brief exchange with Cuddy. She’s upset that she passed by “their meager standard” and failed by her’s. He tells her women always set ridiculous standards that no one can meet. “You’re not superwoman. Don’t be a martyr.” Cuddy asks Cam to take over for her. Might we see a little Hameron action next week? Let’s hope there is also more than a lil’ nugget o’ Wilson.

“No hurry. I already bathed once this week; I don’t want to look elitist.” - House

House: Joy to the World, recap & review, Season 5 Episode 11

At a private school recital, an evil blond teen with excessive makeup pressures her chubby classmate to announce how lame their teacher is while they’re on stage. Even though this stinks of a set-up, the girl does it. Her vision gets all blurry and she spreads a little holiday cheer in vomit form. Merry Christmas, folks!

Chase and Kutner round up a group of the prank-ee’s classmates to find out if they poisoned her. Standing in a surgical observation room, the blond purveyor of wickedness cracks jokes about Natalie’s weight while texting her cronies. Liver failure is, like, so hilarious, isn’t it? Turns out they gave Nat some shrooms to loosen her up. Sure. Nothing makes me relax more than a healthy serving of hallucinogens.

While doing the differential diagnosis, Taub and Kutner come across a green present to “Greg” with a girly handwritten note attached. House throws it away like he means it which automatically piques Taub’s interest. And so begins the search for the mystery gift-giver. They ask Wilson if he knows where it came from. He weaves a yarn about Irene Adler, a patient who House nearly killed himself saving and subsequently fell in love with. The one that got away. Psych! The present was from Wilson; House is merely trying to entertain himself with a game of mindfuckery. Sidenote: Doesn’t it seem like Wilson actually would have girly handwriting? He’s so sensitive. *Sigh*

The Huntington’s clinical trial is going so well for Thirteen that she leaves Foreman a post-it thank you with a gift certificate to a day spa. I cannot for the life of me picture Foreman donning a fluffy robe and getting a pore-minimizing face scrub. Thirteen later hears that Janice, the woman with advanced Huntington’s, dropped out of the trial. She finds the woman, reintroduces herself (Remmy?) and hears about Foreman’s insensitive remarks. It was the same “get over it” speech he gave Thirteen. She confronts him, tells him he’s just like House, and walks out in a huff. This is not the first time we’ve heard Foreman compared to House in an insulting fashion. Nor is it the first time he feels compelled to make a temporary behavioral change because of it. True, House tends to be an insensitive, offensive (and hilarious) curmudgeon but he’s also teaching them to be better doctors. Anyway, Foreman invents a trial in tandem with the current one, with an easier dosage of meds for the woman. Thirteen tells him he’s not like House after all and they…kiss?!? Where the hell did that come from?

When Taub lets on he’s figured out who the gift is from, House reprimands him by giving him anal swab duty. Is there a more enjoyably wicked punishment? Having a cafeteria conversation (love these scenes), Wilson tells House if he’s nice to people he might actually get a real present without having to torture his team. House says: “You’re right. I’ve gotta stop being such a jerk.” The odd part? There wasn’t an ounce of irony in his tone.  

So House begins Mission: Be a Nice Guy by voluntarily doing clinic hours. We haven’t seen him interact with the kooky clinic patients in a while and it’s always been one of my favorite parts of the show. The first patient has a headache, morning sickness, and swollen boobs. She’s pregnant. House offers her mint tea. He’s serene and kind…until she claims to be a virgin. This unleashes his pathological need for sarcasm (I can relate). She asks if she could have gotten pregnant from a toilet seat and he replies: “Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting in between you and the toilet seat. But yes, absolutely.” He tries to be nice again with the next patient, championing through even as she asks whether she looks “like an idiot.” But when she uses her inhaler like a perfume bottle, an amused look spreads across his face, and we all know what that means.

The “virgin” and her fiancé, with whom she shares a vow of chastity, come back to do a paternity test on the fetus. House walks in, does his best “I’m shocked” expression, and leaves them alone for 6 hours. When he returns, he claims the baby is a subject of parthenogenesis, Immaculate Conception. Just in time for Christmas! The most-gullible-guy-ever gasps at the news. House finally gets his present from the fake-chaste girl. And all he had to do was perpetrate an elaborate lie about a medical miracle.

In the meantime, Natalie vomits blood (I think it’s a requirement for every episode), has pulmonary edema, liver failure, seizures, tuberculosis, and is eventually diagnosed with eclampsia (a bit of a stretch considering she gave birth 3 weeks earlier). Turns out she got secretly impregnated by shroom dealer, Simon, and left the presumed-dead baby near a soup kitchen. She has two days to live.

House notes Cuddy’s frequent presence during the case and, like any good egotist, assumes it’s because of him. Then he guesses it has something to do with the failed adoption. Whatever the reason, it allows Cuddy to be the one to find the not-dead baby (in the arms of a kindly homeless woman). Natalie has a tearful reunion with her daughter, which can relieve her of the guilt she feels before she dies. Neither family wants the child and Cuddy begins the adoption process. Note the title of the episode. Remember, she was going to name the other baby Joy. So will she use the same name for this child? Also, didn’t House seem awfully melancholy about the news? Is he feeling left out?

“I think you’re confusing nice and evil again.” -Cuddy

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