The Dope Box TV Blog

You have to admire Blair’s dedication. What began as a simple punishment (Rachel being stood-up outside a closed restaurant) for a simple offense (Rachel giving Blair a B), now continues to escalate. If Miss Carr would have just relented there would be no need for such an epic duel. Blair is like quicksand; the more you struggle, the deeper you sink.

Serena is upset about Miss Carr and Dan meeting in a coffee shop but not for the reason you would think. She overhears Rachel talking about how smart and literary Humphrey is and gets to feeling inferior. In an extremely un-stealth move, S shoves her extra credit essay back in her purse and asks for more time. Serena’s hobbies now include: prancing around in weather-inappropriate clothing; obsessing over hopelessly emo boys; shamelessly seeking the approval of absolutely anyone.

After hearing Dan sputter a bumbling compliment about Rachel’s sweater choices (which is a sure sign of his adoration) Blair texts Gossip Girl saying they’re having a teacher/student elicit affair. This results in many a high-five for Dan, a pow-wow with Jenny (complete with reference to her raccoon-eye mascara of yore), and a mini-scolding from Serena.

Nelly Yuki tattles on Blair, who gets expelled. Upon getting assurance from his daughter that she did nothing wrong, Daddy Waldorf makes it his mission to prove her innocence. Serena talks to Rachel (who she suddenly starts calling “Miss Carr”) about letting B go back to Constance. When that fails, she takes the teacher’s daily planner and shows up at a scheduled mystery rendezvous. She is, of course, with Dan, who happens to be making moony eyes and sweeping the hair out of Rachel’s face at that precise moment. Rather than barging in and splitting the two up, S snaps a picture with her cell and gives it to Blair who uses it to get Rachel canned.

Serena casually prattles on about her involvement with the scandal to Dan. They could soldier on through their parents hooking up and sharing a sibling, but throw a little fictional scandal at them and they’re through. Their hundredth “Let’s be friends” break-up speech conveys as much grief as one would allot to the wilting of a head of cabbage. It would seem that even S and LonelyBoy are bored by their relationship.

Dan goes to Rachel’s apartment to comfort her after the public firing and she jumps him like a pogo-stick. Due to the glaring foreshadowing of this event, I had time to be apprehensive about it. But, I have to say, when the act happened I was totally rooting it on. They’re a better fit than he and Serena were (just mentioning them makes me yawn) and this pairing is sure to stir up plenty of juicy storylines. Plus, the song choice for the steamy scene was perfection.

An entire episode of Chuck was wasted by the bizarre retelling of Eyes Wide Shut (which I called from the first flashback). He has some blurry memories of a debauchery-filled secret society soiree. Chuck enlists Nate and Vanessa to help him retrace his steps. (Sidebar: Surprisingly, I was not nauseated by those two this episode. I actually found their little reenactment - dare I say it? - cute.) Chuck eventually finds the mystery girl from the party (it’s Nicki from The L Word!), who is part nanny, part whore. She shows up with a long illuminated candle and a warning about possible retribution from the White Collar Mafia. Later, Chuck goes through Bart’s vault for answers, openly (and cheesily) asking: “Father, what were you involved in?”

Now for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Velvet items: 1 (black blazer)

Ascots: 1 (Finally!!!)

Wool: 2 (trench, gray blazer w/black piping)

Pocket squares: 1 (black)

Turtlenecks: 1 (black)

An overwhelming amount of black, once again. How I miss the loud argyle socks/sweater vests paired with plaid bow-ties. Perhaps we’ll see a return to ludicrously mismatched patterns in blaring colors when winter is over. Worth a mention: serious over-unbuttoning…hello chest hair!

“Thank you, Jesus.” -Minion

“No. Thank you, Blair.” - Blair

Blair is treated to Daddy Waldorf, his suave manfriend, and Dorota wearing Yale colors while standing in front of a blue and white breakfast spread. Inside a Yale duffel is a tiny bulldog, which is the university’s mascot. Gays, color-coordination, muffins, and puppies? Geez, all I got was a free university tee and spiral notebook for my college send-off. Sidenote: Bulldog’s name (Handsome Dan)? Hilarious.

I thought it appropriate that Gilmore Girls got a reference this week. Not since Rory have we seen a teen girl so set on Ivy League glory (unintentional rhyming, I swear!). Blair is so obsessed with Yale that Serena doesn’t have the heart to tell her she got in while Miss Waldorf got wait-listed. I’m no expert on the inner workings of Yale admissions, but is it realistic that Blair (who gets A’s and has a perfect record) is overlooked for Serena (who reserves her brain cells for studying boys and prancing about in shiny dresses)?

The new English professor, Miss Carr, could easily pass for a student. When she’s given a B on a paper, Blair snatches the Iowan teacher up by her arm and explains the concept of “free passes” for second semester seniors. In order to decide whether Miss Carr deserves punishment, Penelope and some other minion play Angel/Devil on Blair’s shoulders. A prank is played on the poor gullible teacher, wherein she gets dressed up for the opera and waits outside a closed restaurant in the cold.

Chuck has planted coke in Jack’s gymbag, set him up with 2 tranny hookers, got him on Megan’s list (for registered sex offenders in California), and tried to buy anthrax with his credit card. But after several failed attempts at dethroning Uncle Basshole, Chuck has come to Lily for help. Watching the two of them bond over Jack’s downfall is cute…except when Chuck gets pissy and repeatedly refers to Rufus as Lily’s “mistress.”

Lily suggests usurping Jack like a responsible adult, but that route doesn’t pay off. Jack shows up during a meeting with a board member and tells Lily he’s better suited for the position of Top Bass than a woman of her “reputation.” Ever ladylike, she hands him a hanky (cloth, of course) to wipe the excess coke off his nose.

My stomach churned repeatedly as we were exposed to an overdose of Nate and Vanessa pawing at each other. Apparently, Captain Vanilla has the Archibald fortune back at his fingertips and Our Lady of Perpetual Buzzkill is bent out of shape about it since she’s all poverty-stricken. She proudly presents him with tickets to the opera (nose-bleed seats). But after sitting next to an old lady with dusty mints and a funky snort-cough, V relents and sits in the Archibald box.

Other happenings at the opera:

• Dan tells Serena that the solution to their parents dating is to bury the weirdness in tiny boxes at the bottom of the ocean. Whah?
• Lily formally adopts Chuck, making her his guardian and new Head of Bass Industries.
• Jack finds out about the switch and tries to rape Lily in the bathroom. Chuck gallantly saves the day and punches his uncle (with nary a hair out of place); Rufus looks mildly ruffled by it all.

Blair actually gets in trouble for her teacher prank (even though she apologized and everything), receiving detention and having Yale put on hold. Dorota knows its war when she sees the look on Blair’s face. It’s Waldorf Black Ops; off the radar, no accountability. Meanwhile, in a Brooklyn art gallery a world away, Miss Carr stops by for a cappuccino (slut!) and LonelyBoy ignores the call of one blond sharer-of-a-sibling. A sweet development: Chuck decides he’d like to move back in to the Van der Woodsen/Bass apartment. Might we see Charles leave the coke-sniffing/whoring in favor of a little Blair-wooing?

Now it’s time for the weekly rundown of the uncredited character I enjoy most: Chuck’s wardrobe.

Plaid items: 4

V-neck pullovers: 2

Shirt/Matching socks combo: 1 (salmon!)

Bowties: 1 (polka-dots, my fave)

Sadly, I still mourn the loss of the fugly red/white/blue signature scarf. Also going through a serious ascot withdrawal.

“Witch hunts are my Valium, Serena. I’m just trying to stay calm.” -Blair

Related Posts: Gossip Girl: The Evolution of Chuck Bass