Nip/Tuck: Ronnie Chase – Chicks Dig Scars…and Wheelchairs

Serena Mercay
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Colleen Rose (the exquisitely creepy Sharon Gless) sneaks up to the McNamara/Troy office by using a gauze mask disguise, like a post-op face-lifter. Always a lady, Colleen reapplies her lipstick using the reflective surface of a knife as a mirror, before going stab-happy on Sean. Appropriately, a song called “Backstabbers” plays in the background. As if hearing it the first time wasn’t enough, the sound effects team treats us all to another round of blood-gurgling.

Colleen comes back, dragging Sean down the hall to “take care” of him. You’d think, as the attempted murderer, that when she says “take care” she means “finish him off.” But the crazy, bear-stuffing, agent-killing stalker really envisioned growing old with the guy she just repeatedly gouged. She says, “I have such plans for us, cookie.” Then Sean gives her a payback stab right before Christian breaks the door down.

Four months later, Sean rolls in on his wheelchair for a “What don’t you like about yourself?” consultation. The patient is Liz, who wants a breast reduction and insists that the scalpel-wielding duo are both present at her surgery. Sean is apparently still emotionally scarred by the incident and refuses. He opts for teaching instead.

Giving a speech where he explains how plastic surgery is an alternative to time travel, Sean looks very pleased with himself. This gig allows him to be doubly god-like (mentor and doctor). Among his students are a smiley blonde (clearly hot for teacher) and a 17 year-old Indian prodigy named Raj.

Christian gives Liz a “tata” exam and finds a lump. Waiting to get the results back from the mammogram, Christian can’t help but sit at the doctor’s desk. No cancer for Liz but Christian mentions a lump and ends up getting a mammogram himself. Again, the two wait for the results. Dr. Troy is sure it won’t be malignant. He has a theory that only pussies get male breast cancer, not men with testosterone-to-spare like him. A theory quashed by Liz’s assertion that Shaft was afflicted. “Shaft had tit cancer?” Predictably, it’s malignant.

Back at work, Christian sews up saggy-earlobe guy. He throws out Raj, who is observing for the day, for backseat suturing. Breast cancer certainly makes him crabby.

Mattie has decided, amid recent events with Sean, he wants to be a doctor. Sean’s eyes get a little misty with pride upon hearing the news, while Christian ridicules this sudden attempt at self-improvement. Geez, a guy sleeps with his half-sister a few times and he never lives it down.

In an attempt to cheer up Dr. Gloomy, Sean takes his buddy out to a bar. When darts and scotch don’t do the trick, they pick up a couple of women (only Christian could use “I just found out I have breast cancer” as a pick-up line). Sean has some freaky wheelchair sex while Christian gets a little oral in the next room. Tip for the fellas: Don’t give a mid-coital breast exam to your partner. It totally ruins the mood.

As Christian readies for surgery, he asks Liz if she’ll adopt Wilbur should he die. She accepts. He seemed to be partly fishing for reassurence that he shouldn’t worry but he got no such thing from her. Sidenote: Lipo. Could there be a more perfect name for Christian’s dog?

In an obvious dream sequence, Sean shows up to Colleen’s funeral to “make sure she’s dead.” Rolling up to the coffin, he peeks in to find himself lying there. Colleen appears behind him, holding a bible, and yaps about how bitchin’ dying young is. He wakes up and walks to the bathroom. Both McNamara and Troy inspect their scars in their respective mirrors. Christian weeps at the sight of his misshapen breast. So, is Sean faking to avoid the operating room? Or does he just like all the extra attention he’s getting as roller doc?

This storyline is such a downer. An entire season without Christian Troy’s delightful arrogance, sarcasm, and womanizing would be too much to bear. Especially with the prospect of Julia concurrently battling mercury poison. Cure his ass! Quick!

“We age. Our cells deteriorate, deform; mutate into tiny misshapen freaks.” - Professor Dr. McNamara

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