The Hills: I Heidi Take Thee Spencer – Empty Union, Awkward Reunion

Serena Mercay
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People have a tendency to congratulate those who have recently wed. That is, unless the matrimonial couple happen to be the Pratts. When Heidi tells Kimberley and Brent she got hitched to Spencer in Mexico, Mr. Bolthouse simply says, “Shut up.” Both of them look somewhere between irritated and horrified on the reaction-o-meter. No congratulatory hug or handshake or even a nod.

Back at the apartment, Spencer sits across from Heidi’s mom, Darlene. Montag Mommy is upset about the Mexican wedding and reads Heidi the riot act for not including her family in the ceremony. Spencer sits with his head down, as if waiting in the Principal’s office to be scolded for dropping Cherry Bombs down the toilet.

At a Bolthouse black-tie event, Heidi and Lauren’s paths cross. Stephanie tells her semi-sister-in-law it’s “one-hundred-percent” cool to go talk to her estranged bestie. And who wouldn’t trust Stephanie Pratt’s judgment? In a reunion more highly anticipated than Frazier/Ali, LC and Heidi actually speak to each other. Lauren asks if Heidi is happy while giving her a look that says, “How could you possibly?” Heidi cries, calls LC “Madame” a couple times; they hug. I wouldn’t bet on reconciliation, though. Lauren was downing champagne like Kool-Aid at a barbecue, and only gave a shrug when Heidi mentioned missing her.

Back in Prattland, Spencer cordially shows Darlene wedding pics until she, quite suddenly, becomes enraged. She tells him she knows he “manipulated and plotted” the wedding, taking away Heidi’s dream of a princess-like wedding day. She says she won’t let them make it legal. To his credit, Spencer really seemed to be attempting civility up until that point. Then out came the Prattster’s menacing voice, telling Darlene they would go to City Hall and make the marriage official so “then you’ll be my mom.”

At the courthouse, Speidi are dressed for a country club picnic while Stephanie (their witness) looks like she’s been brought in for solicitation. Heidi, sad and slightly orange, goes to the ladies room to freshen up. Steph decides to tell her brother how wrong the whole thing feels to her. And she had to wait until that moment to say something? Heidi returns and gets through her vows before Spencer puts on the brakes. He tells her he feels like they’re doing something “sneaky” and “shady” and that the absence of her family is causing a “rain cloud” to form over their heads. There was something rather unbelievable about the whole ordeal. Almost as if it had been pre-arranged or scripted or something.

Riding on a chopper with ape-hanger handlebars, wearing clingy dark-denim overalls, Justin Bobby looked like a young lad who’d just stolen his daddy’s big boy bike. JB took Audrina away to the Viceroy in Palms Springs (with suites going for about $200-$600/night). The first thing I thought when I saw JB in amongst the luxe white bedding was: That dirty boy is going to ruin those sheets.

The dysfunctional pair chose the vacation to escape the people who are trying to split them up. Sound familiar? Well, at least they didn’t have a fake quickie wedding. To hear Justin Bobby tell it, Audrina’s friends are not only meddlesome, they’re auricle-fetishists: “I love the fact that I don’t hear, no offense, but your little girlfriends in your ear. Nibbling.” Good ol’ JB was full of philosophical mutterings, which he expulsed while calling his girl “dude.” After asking if she wanted to split an entrée of filet mignon and asparagus, he calls her a “rare breed” and talks about how he’s “super blessed” to know her. Then he sticks his pinky in his mouth and pulls off a ring with his teeth. If this had been another guy, one might have thought it was a proposal of some kind. But we all know Justin Bobby far too well to assume it was anything more than a flimsy spit-ring.

“Lime green is, like, the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” –Lo

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008 at 4:02 amand is filed under The Hills. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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